It wasn't a useless session, and there were moments where I could see that H was trying hard to communicate. But sitting with him that long really reminded me of all the reasons why I don't want to live with him.
He's incredibly critical - isn't able to say what he wants, only to point out what he doesn't like. Won't make suggestions for changes or solutions to problems that affect him. Totally unwilling to compromise to meet the needs of anyone else. I suggested we both needed to come into the middle, gave examples of things I felt I needed to change, and said I was willing to go first. Asked him if there was anything he felt he could change or move on. Point blank no, no way, not considering it, not even talking about what would need to change so he could consider it. His preferences and needs are 'facts' - I guess it makes him too vulnerable to consider them needs or wants, so he externalises them - and other people's preferences and needs are just that and so optional. Blame. Won't say what he wants - even in the session - then when we were coming towards a decision, claimed that what he wanted hadn't been taken into account, then when the therapist asked him to say what he wanted, he claimed there wasn't enough time to go into it - which is classic evasive tactics. Vague. Started talking generally about boundaries. Therapist pressed him for specific example. He got exasperated and said it wasn't possible. He started raising his voice and berating me at one point - and I flinched - then he got angry with me because I'd flinched and claimed I was play acting in order to get the therapist on side. I asked him if he'd lower his voice as I found it upsetting, then he started whispering sarcastically.
I have no idea why he went, I really don't. I didn't force him, and I gave him the option at every point of discussion to say he didn't want to, to decline, etc etc. But he doesn't seem to be capable of considering change or asking for what he wants. It was, in some ways, a nasty trip back to the past of living with a resentful, bitter, bile-filled child and I never ever want to go back there.
I've made the list that the therapist recommended and sent it over to him. He's told me he needs everything to be in specific detail, and also that he doesn't like getting long emails from me as he hasn't got the time or interest in digesting them. So no doubt I will have failed on one of those two requirements and our conversation on Sunday will be about the many ways I have got things wrong either in the past or now.
I am so exhausted by this. I am not sure I have the strength in me to keep putting myself through it and I don't know why I want to carry on. I could divorce him pretty easily and the financial consequences would not be terrible for me.
