Hey Blu......good to hear from you. Thanks for taking the time to catch up on my sitch.
Yes, it is me the hardworking NP, who stuck by her H while he was on/off with the marriage, doing his own thing, making selfish decisions, the Landmark Forum, not being responsible with money, etc etc etc.
I have read what you said to me several times and so much of it makes sense to me. Since having that last discussion with H I feel different. Not sure I can really explain it.....it is like a sense of calm has come over me, or maybe it is the St Johns Wort
I agree that he has not been remorseful for all the pain he caused me. I think I really wanted to see the man I thought he would become after all of the SH!T he put me through, and not the man he really is. When I step back and take a look at just exactly how he has treated me during these last 3 years, it is embarrassing that I have put up with all of these things.
I am a very strong, confident person......in my job I make life and death decisions concerning other peoples lives and without hesitation.....but when it comes to my own life, in terms of H and the marriage, I over analyze and try to convince myself to do something different. I have life and death conversations weekly with people, ask people to make a decision to remove their family member from life support and things of that nature, but for whatever reason I am not able to make a decision that will not end my life, but only change it.
I have known for the past several months that we would more then likely end up getting a divorce. I also knew that if that did happen I WOUND NOT be the one who files for it. I know it sounds weird, but I already feel like I am divorced. We have zero communication and honestly don't really have anything to discuss. Our lives are separate and have been for quite some time. H has made D@MN sure of that!!! And the whole "I want a divorce but cant afford a retainer...….but oh yeah, I am going to spend $1000 for a new dog" really p!ssed me off!!!!
When I think back about him I find myself thinking what a coward he really is. I remember receiving a text from him two days after finding out about his affair and it said "more karma coming my way, my check engine light is on and my car didn't start. I just want you to know I am feeling some of the consequences for my actions." For the first 2 days I heard NOT A WORD from this man!!! And then to get a text like that should have been very telling to me about who he really is.
It would have spoken volumes to me if he would have been the one to make the attempt to make things right between us. To this day he still says he "lacks courage to do what is right".....AMEN to that!!! I know it is hard for someone like him, who did not grow up in an environment where expressing, showing or receiving love was normal. He was the one who cried at our wedding, not me, so I know he is capable of feelings and emotions.
I continue to work hard at my job and I am D@MN good at it, now I just need to put some of that energy in to making ME and my better. I have a few opportunities with my job so that is promising. And I was told last week that there is even talk of me getting a raise in the near future
Holding on to what could have been with me and H and our marriage, is likely causing my continued anger and resentment. I am tired of blaming myself. I just honestly wonder if I ever will be able to forgive him for what he has done. I guess only time will tell.
Blu......I do not feel that you were too harsh at all. I appreciate your honesty.
