It is better. I think the validating I have been trying to do helps. I would like some empathy and validation myself and there's not that much of it forthcoming, but hey ho. He did give me a hug today and say he knew it was hard and he could see I was trying my best, and that was new and did mean a lot.
I feel very vulnerable tonight. Like my marriage depends on me being able to force Eldest to do what H wants him to do, and H's standards are much more precise than mine. I want to meet in the middle, and I also want H to understand that we can set boundaries and choose our response, but neither of us can force a teenager to do much of anything - we don't really have that much control over the outcome, only our responses. This makes me feel really panicky. But I need sleep and I think I have to trust that H will think about this this week and if he feels listened to and respected in other ways, his need for perfect and total obedience from Eldest will become a little more flexible and (to my mind) realistic.
I also have a much darker feeling I am not proud of. Eldest is difficult. Stroppy and reactive and argumentative. I think it's in the scale of normal teenage behaviour, and is definitely worse with H than with me. I don't want to end up hating Eldest because his hostility to H and unwillingness to make a compromise and give another chance costs me my marriage. I don't want to get into blame. I hate feeling like this - and it is only a glimmer of a feeling - but I will take it to IC this week and process it safely and in private.
