it is really hard, isn't it? I have to weigh really carefully where I am bringing in my own father-issues into this relationship (and I am certain I have been for a long time and that has been really unfair to H, who is difficult and flawed and has acted badly, but is not a monster as my own father was) and where H is using Eldest as a kind of proxy - I get the sense that if I disagree with him - even quietly and in private - he feels it is disrespectful, rather than considering me as an adult with a good sense of what my children need and how to form a good relationship with them. It's certainly a tangle.
I am valuing my alone time tonight. I haven't missed him too much recently because I have such a lot to process and such a lot to do on on my own.
I appreciate hearing your story and your experience. It is hard. I have suggestions - many suggestions - for how H might improve his relationship with Eldest. But in the end I think that comes off as micromanaging and interfering and just reinforces the fact he feels disrespected and Eldest believes he's incompetent. I think I have to support H where I can honestly do so, examine myself and my own motivations very carefully with the help of my IC, and be very boundaried around behaviour that is inappropriate no matter what H might decide to do in response. It feels exhausting.
