So I texted him a bunch today about ds2's match and stuff. He was very short in his replies. I rang him in the evening and no reply. I tried again an hour later. Then I texted him later saying he must be too busy to ring me back and I hope he got his work done. Then I just got really mad and sent him a rude text, I was in the middle of dishing up dinner, I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and I have had some extremely busy days, my head was not calm at all. And Blu's post and my IC's comment got under my skin, plus the stuff about the garden centre must have been swirling round my head since yesterday.
He texted back saying how dare I and that he'd been out for a run and injured himself again and not to ring back. I said I was sorry and I was in a strop dishing up dinner to ungrateful teens (ds1 refused to join me and ds2, I think he's trying to finish up homework and has job stuff to sort out, I think he's stressed). He rang me back a bit later and we mostly smoothed things over and discussed ds2's match. Then he rang me back half an hour later and said he'd calmed down properly and we chatted again. Then I came on here and read what I'd written about the garden centre and decided to ring dh and tell him about that. I was quite calm, I just said I'd had a flashback and that I wasn't expecting an apology but it was a year ago and it was a painful memory for me. He said he had no recollection of it, but that he knew he was capable of being nasty. I said that I had also played a part in the situation (like years of putting up with his anger and either being defensive or hiding instead of being assertive and/or empathetic) and that I was sorry for my role in it. He also said that maybe if it was a year ago then he was upset about me going away without him (Easter holidays have been Peak Abandonment for him, he usually has to work and the kids have lots of time off school so we've been away for the last 4 years without him then). I said I knew it was difficult for him when I went away at Easter with the kids. Then we chatted about ds2's birthday party and ds1's job stuff.
I feel like this was progress for me, to actually be honest instead of hiding from him. I've hidden for so long that it's automatic, but gosh, who wouldn't be angry in the face of that? His behaviour was entirely unacceptable, but I spent so long playing the victim instead of being a grownup. I have to own that. Another thing I've read/heard in podcasts is that distancers think they're just fine and dandy and that their relationship is ok and why is their partner making such a fuss and being so horrible. Guilty.
Quite proud of myself actually, I was quite calm (helps I'm knackered, lol). And proud of dh as well, him admitting the Easter thing is a 180. He has been awful to me every March/April for years now so maybe he's joined the dots at last. Makes me feel doubly glad he's coming for part of our next holiday. I think you're right, Alison, about this April being a revelatory period. Must not expect too much, but there needs to be some movement somehow.
