Two hours with the family therapist. Eldest left after half an hour or so, and the rest of the time H and I spent talking about parenting. Therapist said she had difficulty knowing what we were working towards - co-parenting as separate people, or working towards him coming back. H said he wanted to come back, I said that I was open to that, but not if it involved me rolling over and agreeing to things that I could not get behind. H was pretty obstructive - lots of complaints about any suggestions from me, unwillingness to make any suggestions of his own. Eldest was also reactive and sulky and pretty ill mannered at times. I managed to validate and keep calm and collected but I can't say I thought it was that productive. Not sure this therapist is the ideal one for us.
He left, and I phoned him - mainly because I wanted to say thank you to him for trying (he finds that sort of thing exhausting and difficult and I was really appreciative he made the effort) - and he ended up coming back and we talked a bit more. The upshot is, he is very clear he wants to try again and go forward as a family but he wants to feel that he matters and that he and I are the parents, together, and not me and Eldest. I do think he's got a point in that. I said I wanted to do that, but for that to work for me, we needed to come to some agreements on parenting privately, between ourselves, be united on them (though take into account what Eldest is communicating about his needs) and deliver them together. I validated his feelings on where I had not done that in the past, and where I thought his perceptions of things were spot on, I told him so. I also told him that while I wanted that, it didn't mean I could always 100% agree with him, and that I would need him to be willing to make changes too and while I was willing to let him think about that and come to his own decisions, the children needed parenting now and the door was open for collaboration, but there were decisions that were time sensitive and if he couldn't collaborate, I would go forward on my own. My fear is that if I disagree with him in private, or if Eldest doesn't do what we agree he should do, that H is going to blame me.
What I found easier in this conversation than before was to think the best of him and to see the fear and hurt underneath his bluster and anger. I also felt less afraid of his anger. I see he feels totally rejected and unimportant and somehow me punishing Eldest in a way that feels acceptable to him has become a proxy for him feeling important to me in other ways. I can see he feels massively hurt that he I communicated some of that to him, and said I had done him wrong and that mattered, and that I wanted to show him respect.
We left it on friendly terms. I have a lot to think about. We agreed to take the week to think things over and each come up with a list of things to change based on the conversation with the therapist and some consideration of what Eldest needs. And that we'd sit next weekend and agree on some middle ground, and how to implement that together.
I'm afraid that if I don't capitulate on everything he's going to feel disrespected and unloved and that I'm going to have to end up taking parenting decisions I really can't feel okay about in order to keep him. I'm aware of that, and plan to discuss it in IC. I can't get into the mindset that I'm doing any of my parenting as a way of healing my marriage, though I think I do have parenting 180s to do whether or not the marriage is reconcilled.
