My H also had his own shame and ego to protect. Even when he was gone and we would have the occasional R talks, his words did not usually match his actions. He would tell me he was done and wanted D, but I could see/feel his ambilvalnce and sadness. He told me after returning that he was always afraid that he had made the wrong decsions, and that his guilt overwhelmed his thinking, but he also thought he was stuck and wouldn't be able to repair the damage if he did come back. So he not only had fear of what he had done, but he also had a fear to admit that he had made a huge mistake and then go back on it. He felt stuck no matter what he did.
Blu
I have been told the same thing. XH didn't think I'd ever be able to forgive him if I found out, but didn't think it would work out with OW either. He was on the fence for a very long time. And I was Plan B. I'm struggling with all of this now because he reached out after years and came clean. It has triggered so many feelings (duh) I just don't know how to process this all. I'm stuck on thinking over that limbo period where we were separated and still married and if I would have done anything differently. I should probably go back to therapy, and i will check out the book you suggested. I did get the "im sorry i made the biggest mistake of my life and if i could go back in time i'd never have an A." How much guilt and shame he felt. Now, i just don't know what to DO, how to process, how to think. I mean, it was never really over, basically i saw him less and less and he told me he filed and was gone. I never knew until now that they were living together when he got the finalized paper and he told her he needed to be alone and cried all day. Just... heavy stuff.
