Embracing my Inner Me in progress

[DnJ]

Good Morning Grace

The reflection, the inner work, the questions are all good and powerful forces within you. Beliefs are challenged, strengthened, created, altered, and some even let go of. This takes time. Do not fear your faith, or beliefs, in yourself. You will rise, know, and believe - it just takes some time.

I felt such sudden anxiety about it all, wondering what the he** I’m doing! I started to pray, and I feel calmer, but it’s weighing on my mind.

These feelings do pop in and rattle us pretty darn good. From my experience as one is finding indifference those feelings, and other tempting feelings, will seem larger and more powerful than they really are. Follow your beliefs. Feel what your feeling, and let them flit away.

Why am I embarrassed?

Just a feeling. You know you are not tied to his behaviour. However, for a long time, as a couple, you each reflected onto each other. It does take time to rationalize this tie between your feelings and his behaviour. Once rational, it no longer affects your emotional state.

How does one ever get past all those lies??? It seems impossible now.

That is a good question. It has the heart of all this right at it core - trust. How can I trust him again?

You don’t have to figure this out right now. You have time. If he turns back, does the inner work on himself, demonstrates trustworthy behaviour, I believe one can find trust again.

It does seem impossible, and that will make it so. The first step in “getting passed all the lies” is realizing you don’t.

You accept the lies, see the error in assuming impossiblity, and be open to a new possible H in the future.

Maybe it’s because I’ve chosen to Stand, which leaves open the possibility of R, and I wonder if that happened, how many people would think I’m a fool for even considering R with this going on. Why should I care what others think? Those negative thoughts creep in.

Am I standing for myself, or to once again protect H? Am I just avoiding something difficult? That is historically how I handled things for so long in our M– smooth things over. Don’t make waves. Usually at a cost of my peace of mind.

I don’t want to Stand only because filing for D may break my already fragile H. I do worry about that. I know I will be o.k. I don’t think H would be. Bold assumptions about future events, I know.

This is fantastic inner pondering, find out who Grace is, and who she will be.

Indifference, healing, letting go, all cause feelings, thoughts, and questions. Standing really starts when you are strong enough, and healed enough, to walk away. Grace, keep standing. Get to the other side of this, for yourself.

I completely understand your feelings about standing. How others view it, and even bluntly and unrequestedly will tell you. They have not walked in your shoes. I have not either, however mine own are similar. I agree with your choice, and you are not a fool. It might matter a little what others think; trusted and close confidants will help you see and not tell you what to do. Even then, the real and only person who’s opinion matters is your’s.

The negative thoughts do plague, don’t they? They mostly are driven and created by your feelings. Again, work through the feelings and the fears associated with them.

To me, you are standing mostly for yourself, and a bit for H. Protecting, worring, and a little fear - yes vague gun references do weigh on the mind. Working through your fears, letting go, finding inference, and you will see your stand take shape. You will be alright, and that is your bold future.

H is on my mind today. I don’t like it. Why are thoughts of him constantly simmering in the back of my brain seemingly all the time. Why can’t I just let go? I believe he may be away with OW right now. I haven’t seen or heard from him in a week. The longest stretch yet. Why should all this bother me? Why do I LET it bother me? It doesn’t change anything.

Patience dear friend. A void is slowly forming, the place which was reserved for H, and your emotional self is filling it. Nature abhors a vacuum, and all manner of feelings, temptations, vices, and whatnot will fill it.

Maybe this will help. Looking back I realize indifference isn’t about purging W or my feelings. It does start that way, and that vacuum within does get filled. My advice and suggestion is to work towards a compssionate indifference.

A spouse can remain in one’s heart, and feelings can still exist. You can let them go and still love them, forgive them, and move forward. It is a bit like not caring, or maybe tough love is a better description. Honestly, trying to describe it is best with compassionate indifference. Once you find it, you will know and believe.

Grace, you are doing so very well, asking thoughtful questions, and feeling all what you should. Patience, answers will present themselves.

Be peaceful.

DnJ