4 years pieced and still a work in progress!

[BluWave]

Hope,
Thank you for replying! I agree. I think that sometimes those that shove their opninons down other poeple's throats can often be the ones with the biggest internal struggles. I am sorry to read about your H. One thing I had to learn in my sitch is that as much as I wanted to blame others -- mostly the OW, as I believe she steered him away -- the reality is that only he is responsible for his own actions. On the flip side, my former MIL (H's mom) was very supportive of me and also vocal to him that he was making a mistake. She had her own anger towards him, which caused him more shame. She would really hand it to him and that hurt him and forced him out of his fog.

Yail,
You are correct! There is this great book by Brene Brown about shame. It very much can influence us. And I think what you say makes a lot of sense. When our ego is so damaged, we cling to our S, and it can be hard to know how much we want them (and the M back) verses how much we our clinging out of fear of the unknown. My H has been back in our M for 4 years, so we have talked about almost everyhting. One thing he said early on is that he was afraid to come back because he didn't believe that I really wanted him. He felt he ruined things. He thought I just wanted to "win" him back and that how could I want a man that could do such a terrible thing (have an A and leave our home). He was not entirely wrong and it IS something that I have struggled with.

My H also had his own shame and ego to protect. Even when he was gone and we would have the occasional R talks, his words did not usually match his actions. He would tell me he was done and wanted D, but I could see/feel his ambilvalnce and sadness. He told me after returning that he was always afraid that he had made the wrong decsions, and that his guilt overwhelmed his thinking, but he also thought he was stuck and wouldn't be able to repair the damage if he did come back. So he not only had fear of what he had done, but he also had a fear to admit that he had made a huge mistake and then go back on it. He felt stuck no matter what he did.

Waves,
I appreciate your input! As I said in my post to her, I have been reading here for almost 5 years, even tho I don't post myself much. I have read the stories of 100s and 100s of posters. And nobody wants to ever beleive that there is any type of A or that their S is capable of that. And why would we want to? It so,so painful to think about! Even 4 years later I can say that the most hurtful part of my siutaion was the infidleity and thoughts of him with OW. It still seems unreal sometimes. He is the most loving and loyal man.

I really do not like to gender stereotype, but most of the posters here are heterosexual couples in Ms, and there are some distinct differences in the posters of the Hs verses the Ws. The Hs that come here are usually in one of two positions: they have a WAW or a WW. Often the WAW has been telling them of their unhappiness, until they give up and then eventually walkaway. Somtimes it is coupled with an A and somestimes not. It seems that these Ws are the least likely to return to the M. Then there are the waywards -- WWs and the WHs. They are often more running towards an A then they are away from their spouse. They are in limerance and are fantastic liars, and so good that they often convince us that it is our fault or that there is some other reason they need space -- time, work, depresion,MLC, etc, etc. I can't speak much to the MLC because I struggle with understanding what it means or the reality of it. It is not in the DSM. I don't even like using the term because then I see people use it as an excuse.

From my perspective, we should all follow the rules the same. So categorizing someone may not behoove us anyways. The thing about a wayward H tho, is that they can often be "won" back. I hate to even say that, because the philpsopy of DB is that we let them go with a goal of working on ourselves, and not winning them. They are no prize really and the have a lot of their own work/changes to make. In fact, we shouldn't even take them back until they have demonstrated change and remorse IMO.

Here is the thing I want people to know: If your H is having an A, he will not come back as long as he knows he can have you (and you are plan B). He has to know he has lost you, that you are strong on your own, and that you are moving on and will be just fine without him. I can garuntee that if I had understood this (through my devastation) and followed the rules here, from DAY 1, my H would not have left for OW. Of course that feels impossible. You cannot nice them back, show them what they are missing, and hope that they will work on the R, as long as the OW is still in the picture at all. I stand behind my beliefs no matter how hard posters try and convince me otherwise! My H would tell you the same thing and he lived it.

Blu