H is on my mind today. I don’t like it. Why are thoughts of him constantly simmering in the back of my brain seemingly all the time. Why can’t I just let go? I believe he may be away with OW right now. I haven’t seen or heard from him in a week. The longest stretch yet. Why should all this bother me? Why do I LET it bother me? It doesn’t change anything.
As I was sitting in church today, listening to the sermon (which is almost always wonderful and meaningful), a random thought popped into my mind, that I’m now contemplating:
Am I standing for myself, or to once again protect H? Am I just avoiding something difficult? That is historically how I handled things for so long in our M– smooth things over. Don’t make waves. Usually at a cost of my peace of mind.
I don’t want to Stand only because filing for D may break my already fragile H. I do worry about that. I know I will be o.k. I don’t think H would be. Bold assumptions about future events, I know. But, those vague references to having his gun handy do weigh on my mind.
I keep busy, but those thoughts are always there – ready to give me anxiety, and break my peace.
