Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

Holy cannoli. Today went to hell in a hand basket.

After my last post, we all went to lunch - H, S17 & nephew who came to help work cows.

When we got back to the house, I went in to take a shower and told H I was going to take a nap. He came in while I was in the shower and said he was going to nap too and was looking for some clothes. when I came out of the bathroom, he was in our bed. No big deal, we still sleep together on vacations, trips, etc. I'm trying to sleep, he reaches for me, I reach back and all of a sudden he says "I can't". I stopped and said "you don't want to?" He said "I want to. I just can't. It makes this too hard"

Oh my word. I am his wife! I felt really hurt by the rejection. So I said, "OK" and went to the store to get out. Asked him if he wanted anything, picked up some things for us both and when I got back, he acted like nothing happened, but I could see it all over him that he was hurting, too.

Then he asked me to go out to feed the cows. I did. While out there I said..."you know what? You have been very clear and very honest about where you are. You said quite some time ago that you feel like you are using me when we have S and that you hate yourself for it later. I do not want to add to any bad feelings you have. I'm sorry for my part in what happened earlier"

He apologized, too. then i said (because I can't seem to help myself"...yes. rejection stinks, but it's you not me, because anyone who wouldn't hit this has the problem" and we both laughed.

After that, he sat on the porch with me and we talked about the kids, the grandkids and the flowers etc. He left her and I felt better, but have decided that no matter what he does or how I feel...I'm not having S with him again.

I am a little sad about that. A lot sad, TBH. Feels like another nail in the M coffin. But I know that I don't want to feel that rejection again.

Going to go to bed early tonight. A lot of driving for work and long hours, and not getting enough sleep is catching up with me. And I never did get my nap today.

Hoping for an awesome sermon tomorrow and looking forward to serving coffee and then have a beauty appointment. I do enjoy doing that for myself.

Take care, friends.