Yes - I was so desperate for my marriage to work and so urgently needed him to stop doing the things he was doing that were hurting me. A mature and assertive response would have been to move away from him - to set some boundaries to protect myself from his bile and nastiness. But I wasn't healthy enough to do that - instead I defended, cajoled, convinced, persuaded, cried - all the usual stuff. And all that just triggered more nastiness from him. I don't do any of that any more. I do kind of wish I'd left him, or forced him to leave, much much much earlier as I am not sure if the damage we've done to each other is reparable. I hope it is, but I can't change the past.
Had GAL today and it was lovely. Really enjoyed my time with the kids. It's a bit sad to think of him alone and working - or processing, or whatever it is he's doing - and not enjoying that with us. Even when he's with youngest they don't really do anything fun together. He's just so little capacity at the moment. I am doing my best with the encouragement but I don't expect much from him at the moment and I don't think that's going to change for a while. We will see how the therapy goes tomorrow. I am feeling pretty anxious that he'll just use it to unload on me - as he did when we went to MC - but I know I won't tolerate that any more, and I also want to go into it with an open mind and ready to listen. And knowing in my heart I am moving forward and every day takes me away from that misery I was trapped in, and today that feels good even though the future is so uncertain.
