I'm not sure it would change what I'm doing really if he was having an A. But then I don't think he'd be paying me that much attention if he was in that obsessive stage anyway. And I'm sure you're correct that nobody wants to see it. But in any case, an A is really just a symptom of problems in a marriage anyway, and I agree that we have had those for some years now.
His incentive is that he wants to be a better person. He's told me that several times, which is why I told him the other day that I do see him becoming a better person. I think he's frightened that if he comes back our marriage will slip back into old habits and he wouldn't be able to bear that. I told him that I didn't want that to happen either, and that I wouldn't want him to come back right now (though he knows I want to stay married to him). I really don't want to have any R talks from now on, I want the last time he said ILYB to be the last time he ever says that. So any R talks will have to come from him unless I decide I've had enough and give him an ultimatum. It might come to that, for now I'll be patient and work on my side of things.
I actually disagree about the no initiating contact thing, that's probably true just after BD and for a while afterwards I probably should have done that, but given I've been the distancer I feel like I need to initiate contact at least occasionally. When I do text him he usually texts right back, he didn't do that a few months ago, unless it was a question he'd often ignore it or not respond for a long time. If I call him he calls right back now, right now it feels quite equal in terms of who initiates contact and we both respond to each other. We lost sight of what each other was up to and lost interest in what the other person was doing, and it feels like we're rectifying that by taking an interest in each other's lives for the first time in a very long time. 180s for both of us. He's also said a few times that I don't really 'know' him (which is kind of funny given the walls he puts up and has put up for so long).
I was listening to a podcast about avoidant versus anxious attachment just now and it was fascinating, there was a bit about anxious people (i.e. dh) not wanting the avoidant person (i.e. me) to display strong emotion, even punishing them for it. Wow. Yes. And then there was a bit about the avoidant person needing the anxious person to show them love because the avoidant person would never ask even though they need it. Fascinating. There was a lot more in there, I need to listen to it a few times I think. Another podcast I was listening to was saying that when trying to work towards secure attachment, the anxious person needs to become more avoidant and the avoidant person needs to become more anxious, and that usually the pendulum swings a bit too far and then needs to be corrected back. Again, fascinating. Lots to think about.
I went to the garden centre and texted dh a few photos of potential plants and he liked the ones I chose. We had a few texts about the kids, he hung out and watched TV with ds2 which was nice. Later on he rang to chat, asked if I'd been for my run yet and said he'd like to go for a run when we meet up on Tuesday, but that he either wanted to meet up a bit later or to have a pint first so that he had a chance to sit down and chill out first since he's got to come straight from work. I think that was him acknowledging that he'd brought his work stuff to our date last week. Transitions have always been a big problem for him (travelling, particularly by plane with him was always horrendous in the past), so I can see a pattern there, in fact I've just realised that if I turn up somewhere and he's already there then he's usually ok as long as I'm on time, but if I'm somewhere and he arrives then he's often difficult. So maybe it's all transitions and not just some and sometimes it's not all to do with me.
