Rocky Road 2

[Miler]

MAJOR UPDATE:

Ok, you guys know I was struggling a little and staying super busy to try and combat the anxiety, etc. Yesterday morning before leaving on the trip with S16, my wife asked to talk. We sat on the bed and she said, I feel like you are pulling out. You are very pleasant around me and you are super supportive and good with the kids, but you pull out and it seems like once a week, you get really anxious. What needs to change? I said, I'm trying my best to support your journey, but sometimes it's really hard because I am in limbo. She said she appreciates that I am in limbo, but that I have to be patient with her. I told her that what she was seeing was my version of patience. She asked how that made me feel. I said sometimes it made me feel like I was Plan B. She asked what would Plan A be then? I said, that's a great point, maybe she was figuring out Plan A. She said that it would be devastating if we didn't work out. She would no longer have a journey if we didn't work out. It would crush the children, she would have to figure out how to simply survive if we split up. I said, that makes me feel like you are sticking this out because you are scared of what a divorce would bring. She said that' not true. She said I love you. We have 20 years with some pretty incredible memories together, we have 3 wonderful and healthy kids together. The best case scenario would be for us to figure ourselves out and then have a happy and healthy relationship together. I agreed. The she asked, "What does the present look like for you to be happy with us now." I answered honestly. I said, I need more emotional connection, I need more signs of affection, whether that be with physical touch or with words, and I need feedback on what's working and what's not working. My changes are new for me and I need to know whether I'm doing it right or now. She said, I can do those things. I said, I want you to trust the fact that those things won't signal to me that we are "back to normal" or that everything is fixed. I said I didn't want any pressure to have sex, that the emotional connection was way more important right now than sex. She again said that she can do those things. She began to tear up a bit. I asked what she was feeling. She said "I'm just emotional right now and reconciling what's in my heart and in my head." I said, this is a very emotional situation and held her hand. I said, I don't want you to feel like you are giving up working on your own journey, you still have that and I didn't want her to feel like she was doing something against her will. She said she doesn't feel that way.

After we hugged and I packed up a bit, she said she thought it would be good to get out of the house to change the scenery. We drove to get a burger. She held my hand for a minute. After a pleasant lunch, we picked up S16 and went to the airport. We told each other ILY, and then parted ways. We spoke on the phone last night and she was very upbeat. I asked about the rest of her day, we had some small talk and then told each other good night. I'm spinning a little. I'm not sure how to feel. There was definitely some discussion on her end about having hope, but unsure what the outcome would be. She also said that she sensed that I thought we gave up on us or stopped working on the R, but she never felt that way. Feels like we are both confused, but are going to give some effort on reconciliation. We have MC a week from Monday (April 1). I am going to avoid talking about it like the plague. I'm guessing I should put more effort into connecting, etc, since that's what she started off by saying, right? Any input would be greatly appreciated!