Rollin' with the punches

[DonH]

Wow, it sure seems like things are getting blown wait out for something that really has not happened yet. Am I reading all of this wrong? Or am I missing something? What EXACTLY has M done that is a problem Ginger? From what I've read he was perhaps a bit distant, but I guess I'm not even sure how-so. He told you he loved you. He said he'd be there. What is it exactly that he's doing - or not doing?

It really just sounds like it's a "feeling" you are getting. Sadly, that can go two ways. Sometimes people, and I'm often one of them, can sense things like this and am correct about them. Other times I'm way off. It's also about a whole lot of mind reading. I mean you are already off onto not dating again for a year - something, by the way, you said multiple times after the last three or four breakups. So I take that with a grain of salt. And not, getting kids involved too soon. Um, are we going back there again? But to that point, not having the four of you together very often in the next month or two is not "taking a step backwards".

The thing is, the worst thing you can do if you do think he is pulling away is to grab on tighter. That is the worst and will make what you fear is going to happen - happen. Don't do that. On paper, I can totally see, putting myself in his shoes, why he might be scared. It's getting more real. It's his first real R after only a short time D'd. I've been there - but we are talking about me - and you know I'm not looking for this huge, blend families, get married in a few years R. But perhaps he's not either? This is what a lot of guys fear or at least joke about - "the talk." - the dreaded "where do you see this going" talk. Guys hate it - at least most of us do. Take that fear away and I'm fine, so is Joseph (I refuse to call him the Big Smooth LOL) and even perhaps M.

What JuJu and your friend said is HUGE. I've also noticed it. I can get why you or others may not want to spill out all of the details of what is going on here. But I've very much noticed before that you leave the bad parts out and only talk about the good stuff. I'm not even sure if you know you are doing it. Like the trumpet player that would not have sex with you - which you didn't tell us until after you guys broke up. It does seem like you are working so hard to have the guy want you that what you need or want or like goes out the window. It's like it's enough that he wants you - but see, it's not. It's a difficult balance - especially at six months in. You don't want to demand too much too soon but then you also don't want to get to two years and find there is no way he ever wants to blend families or move in together or get married - if that's what you want to do. Those I guess are things that people need to discuss early on - just in the abstract.

For now, however, I guess you need to try as hard as you can to relax. List out the CONCRETE things that he has said or done. Something tells me they are not there and if that is the case, then it's all or mostly mind-reading. It's based in your past - I so totally get that - but it's still mind reading. You have got to somehow put on the hat that says "I'd rather have M in my life, but things are going to be great either way whether he is or not." I know you probably thinks that, but you're not acting it. Acting it will also make a change in him. It's not attractive to do what you're doing and I know I've said it before that even if you don't think you are putting those vibes out to him - you are.

Bottom line, again, unless there are other things going on that you're not telling us, I don't at all see what you are worrying about. You've got to stop the mind reading. What ever is going to happen is going to happen - and worrying about it will not make it any better.