I keep telling myself that I have forgiven my WW, but I still harbor some angry feelings. However, my anger seems to be going down bit by bit daily. The reality of the formal split is beginning to hit her. She is expressing concern and worry of her lifestyle, how she is going to pay bills, apartment, etc. after she moves out. I tell myself that me expressing my anger is not going to help matters and will just make her pain worse. I can't nor do I want to do that anymore. She may have messed up and continue to do so (in my eyes), but she is a good, caring person.
I am working on forgiving myself. I think the part that I am struggling with is the fact that I had such a great thing with her only to neglect and ultimately lost it. The good memories I hcreated with her are the things that I reflect on constantly and sorely miss. Now I'm not sure my feelings are a byproduct of a lack of intimacy or intimate physical contact. Or it also could be that I am still not experiencing the things I should expect when I am dating right now and that I am getting impatient of getting to that point. Or if it's just between GAL sessions I have moments of loneliness and my mind begins to drift back to our sitch.
Whatever it is, I do know that I am still a bit wistful of our relationship that was. That's the key word: [b]was[\b].
Yail, thank you. I think once we start to accept that not everything in life is fair, the sooner we can work on improving ourselves. We were taught to work on the things we do have control of: ourselves. Everything outside of us is not in our control and is an exercise in futility.
Practice definitely makes perfect.
Journaling:
Work is coming to an end. I pick up D5 from her Granddad (WW's dad). He is just realizing the extent of the sitch and seeing what WW and I have been going through. He asks about me and how I'm feeling (to WW). She tells him (at least I think she does) that I am very happy.
I go clubbing tomorrow night. I have my clothes laid out for the event. I am also going to make a major change to my appearance. I am going to shave my head. I am already bald. The hair in the back does not look good on me. It's time to let that go as well.
Speed dating event Monday. I'm excited for that. Going forward I am going to slow it down a little bit and try to work on my social skills (RotG Day 7) in public environments (coffee shops, bookstores, shopping malls, etc.). It's all a part of my growth.
I booked a trip to Vancouver, BC to take with D5 the first weekend in May. WW will be out of town attending a class and I took that Friday off to watch D5. I decided to make it special and take D5 on a road trip that she has been dying to take since our trip to Leavenworth last Thanksgiving.
I'm feeling good overall. Yes, I do have moments in which my mind starts to wander towards "I'm sad and I need pity" territory but I know that will not do me any good and it certainly is not attractive behavior. I force myself to think positively. I think of the good things I have done in the last few months and it reminds me that all of these changes I have gone through are a result of my positive mental mindset.
