Midlife crisis husband and separation part 2

[BluWave]

Hi Dilly,

I just read your threads. I am so very sorry you are here. I went through a terrible separation too. It is so painful. Can I ask how long you have been seeing your IC? When did she first bring up the idea of an A? My IC helped me understand right away that men do not just leave their W and kids without OW. Sure, there may be many reasons stated -- MLC, depression, they want time alone, marital discourse, substance issues, etc, etc -- but the reality is that almost all men leave the home to pursue the affair. Many have As and don't leave, but when they leave in this way, it's almost a guarantee.

I have been reading here for almost 5 years and have followed 100s of posters. I agree with your ICs observations. Your own gut instincts are telling you and you feel it. In fact, I cannot think of a case where a W poster suspected something was wrong (we all know in our gut, but we don't want to believe it) and there wasn't OW. Not one person comes to mind. Sometimes it takes months or even years for us to find proof, but eventually, it comes. Then we can say, I always felt something was missing and now it makes sense.

So why does it even matter if he is gone anyhow? For some of us -- like myself -- it is a complete game changer in the way we now handle our interactions. I had to change everything and not allow him to keep me as his plan B. For others -- like DejaVu who has already moved on -- it may not change as much in what she does. She is also not trying to save her M now and he has been wandering and lying for years.

So I want to ask you, if I could provide you with the proof today, that yes he has OW and yes it has been going on for some time now (most likely for some time before he even moved out) then what does that change for you? How would you do things moving forward? Would you still have breakfast, meet at the pub, have a hug or kiss, have family times with the kids, and share your feelings of what you need to work on or where you went wrong, etc, etc? Would you still send the message that you love him, are waiting and are hoping for his return? Does he still get to know he can have you back and that yes you are plan B if she, OW, doesn't work out?

Only each of us can answer these questions for ourselves. I do not suggest you should do things differently. I can only speak to what I know I went through. If I could go back in time to 6 years ago, knowing what I now know about my H's behavior, I would have done things quite different. I cannot do that obviously. So instead I post here in hopes of offering support and helping others that maybe could see things differently. Because I firmly believe that as long as an H knows that his W is at home waiting his return, he is far less likely to leave OW and come back to her.

Blu