4 years pieced and still a work in progress!

[BluWave]

I don't have much to share at the moment, because things are rather status quo. My focus has been more on whats going on with my kids and work. I have been working a lot of OT in the last 4-5 months. I will share a story that now has meaning for me.

So a couple weeks ago I went out for a ladies night with my BF and her other friend. I don't know this lady but I know of her because my BF has told me a lot about her and apparently she knows everything about me. Let's call her Z. And I mean everything about me. My BF has always been supportive of me and my M. Despite having to hold my head above water during a difficult separation, she still sees my H as a good guy and father. She is the one that tells me that he is a good man and that because I have decided to stay with him that I should make more of an effort to create a better and closer connection. She sees that I can keep him at arms length.

Well, her buddy Z (after a couple drinks) apparently doesn't share this sentiment. And let me just say that at no point in the conversation did I ever ask this woman what her opinion is of my M or my H. She told me anyway. She has never been married, doesn't have kids, and hasn't even been in a long term R. She also dates guys half her age (hopefully not her students). I share all of this about her because not only does she not know me personally, but she hasn't a clue what my life is like. She lives with her mom.

So she quickly did learn something about me that evening, and that is that I am no gentle flower. If you are bold enough to openly pass judgement on me to my face, you are going to be met with a very uncomfortable confrontation. I guess she didn't expect that because she had trouble holding her position, answering my questions and even excused herself to the bathroom at one point. I told her, "come on now, you obviously think my H is a POS, so I am curious to know what it is that YOU think I should do differently with my life." She really just squirmed, as did my BF. Will I change my life decisions based on what this woman says about me? Of course not. But if you are going to talk chit to my face, you better back that up. It was a fun night.

So I am done with her (not that I ever cared to get started). In fact, I have not talked to my BF in almost 3 weeks. I am not angry, but I just need some space. Z only knows anything because of what she told her. I have been friends with my BF since childhood and I am sure this will get talked about, but right now I just don't feel like being around her. The nature of our friendship is that we talk a lot about our lives and intimate personal details. I don't believe that should be shared with our other friends/families.

So what have I learned from this? I can't make choices about my M based on what others think. I really can't. And I still have some shame to let go of. While that is easy to say, it's not as easy to do. We all care what people think. I mean, I only post light and flowery pics on SM, not heavy or personal posts. So yes, I care. But when it comes to day to day choices, or important life decisions, those can only be mine. I might have a BF that is so "pro- my M," or she may have a friend that is a judgmental b-tch, but they have never walked in my shoes. I really cannot let EITHER of them control me.

Mostly, I felt (and still feel protective) of my family -- and that includes my H -- in that moment. He is my family. I get to be mad at him and call him a POS, not her. Who is she? She is actually no one. She and my fears of people like her, and all the fears she has represented (when she went on her "I am a feminist" rant, which I don't believe one word of) do NOT get to control me anymore.

I am still letting go of fear.

Blu