Job......you have a way of saying just what I need to hear.
Last night and today have been a bit of a wakening for me in regards to acknowledging things I continue to create. I am pretty stubborn …. no surprise hearing that....and I honestly thought that I had dealt with some things H has done and continues to do, but obviously I haven't.
It isn't fair to put expectations on anyone...even H. I just figured that if I was okay with allowing him back in my life then surely I had dealt with things and let some things go, but now looking back at the emails and texts between H and I, and postings from here, I haven't let go.
When I moved in with H I offered to help him pay the rent and utilities. He declined, and his reasoning was because he wanted to prove to me that he could take care of us. Previous to BD, I paid for just about everything, with the exception of the utilities of the home, which he took care of. I knew when I moved in with him that financially he was not capable, so I put $500 away every month while living there (he was not aware that I was doing that). I also got him to agree to let me buy groceries for us while I was living there. At one point while living there I had learned that H had not paid our taxes from a few years ago. I tried not to show my anger during that time. I just told him that he needed to figure out how to pay for it because it was from 2 years prior when we had filed "married but separated" and that tax bill was for what HE owed. Of course he did not have the money, so the money that I was putting away ended up paying for those taxes. Another issue of resentment for me.
It was always important for him that I "needed him" but in my mind I didn't need him, I wanted him. He struggled with that. He knows I am strong and independent and can take care of myself, and he even said on several occasions that he knew I would be fine because of that. I did and do need someone to lean into for support. Who doesn't, right?
His love language is "word of affirmation" and I am sure that all of you can tell by my postings this is something I struggle with in regard to H. I am trying....I did tell him on our last visit that I was proud of him for how he continues to work on himself. But, at that end of the conversation I had gotten pretty upset and said some things that most certainly did not show how proud of him I was …. not my proudest moment
I really do want to let go of all of this anger, resentment and negative feelings I have towards H and also his parents. I CAN NOT let them continue to have this sort of control over me. I know I am a good person, but being around him brings out the worse in me sometimes.
I have not heard from H since our last meetup, and I am not surprised. He was supposed to give me his schedule that evening so that I could arrange for discernment counseling but I never heard him. Tomorrow will be a week. I am not sure if not hearing from him is a good thing or not? I have no idea what he is doing, if he is trying to scrape together money for a lawyer, or continuing to ignore it all together. I have not control over that and am letting all of that go. If he files there is not anything I can do about it.
As far as the female client......he feels like if he rejects her in any way then she will not use his services anymore and that would mean less money in his pockets. If he doesn't have clients to work on, he doesn't get paid. She knows a lot of people and would say something to others if he ever decided not to engage her in her wants. She acts like she cares about him but in my mind it is manipulation. I am hoping that once her son leaves for college in the Fall, she will fall out of the picture.
