I have read all of your recent posts and would like to weigh in. I also recall your previous posts -- he had an A, he was distant on/off, did the Landmark Forum, not responsible with money, there was a brief recon, the selling of the house, the dogs, and the issues with his parents. And you are this hardworking nurse (practitioner I think), independent, strong and remained loyal to him throughout it all. The sense I have gotten, and continue to read here, is a lot of resentment from you. And I think it is completely understandable! It does not mean anything is wrong with you or that you need to change!
My perspective here on the boards can be different than others and one (aside from time) of the reasons I don't post much. So please take what I say with a giant grain of salt. I had the H come back and "do all the things" and he has been back for 4 years. I still don't have a great M, and maybe not even a very good one. It is functioning nonetheless and we are both here. However, a motivator for me is that we have 3 kids, a home we own, and my finances/quality of life would take a huge hit if I didn't stick this out. I couldn't even aford to stay in my community or keep my kids in their schools. .... You don't have that with him, so from my (limited) perspective, you have more freedom to leave it behind you. Again, you are free to discard my advice.
Look, you deserve so much more than anything this guy is willing to give you. Even when he was willing to give it a go, he didn't seem completely in it, committed to making it work or even remorseful for the hurt he had caused. That is why I said I think it is understandable that you have anger. You can read books, and work on your anger, but IMHO if you close the door on this relationship with him, you will also let go of some of this anger. Because you not only resent him and everything he has done (and NOT done) but you are angry at yourself for holding on. How could you not be?
He has told you in so many ways, he wants out, but poor baby can't even afford to file. LAME. He has given you the ILYBINILWY again. YAWN. He is not in a good financial space so he spends $1000 on a puppy and now he wants some of your hard earned money? NO WAY. This part actually makes me angry. You still have hard feelings about his parents and he is telling you to let it go. You are entitled to your feelings. A loving partner understands that and helps facilitate positive relationships with inlaws. But you don't have a loving partner. You have a piece of legal paperwork that says you are still M. So what are you trying to save? Even when he came back around, you questioned then if it was worth it. Perhaps you are more attached to the idea of him and what it could be verses the reality of who he is and what he is telling you?
I feel like most people here tell each other that there is always this chance that they could come around one day. And that is true. We also say how all we can do is let them go and focus on ourselves and that is also true. But what no one talks about is that we can wait for years and years and that opportunity may come and then THAT is the moment we realized we should have moved on years before. Because we cannot get those years back. And I imagine that you are young, beautiful and full of life, and you deserve a partner that sees that in you. Holding on to him -- and all the anger that surrounds that attachment -- is not helping you move forward. I don't think you can heal your resentment until you let go of him and the M.
Have you read any posts by Deja in Newcomers? Her M has been over for years and she is letting go and now seeing other people. Her energy has shifted so much and you can read it all over her posts. It is very refreshing.
I hope I don't seem too harsh. I like you and I have watched you blame yourself for your anger. I disagree with that. ... I just think the chance of him ever being good enough for you is so low. Even when they do come back and "do all the things" like my H did, it is still SO SO hard! The past doesn't go away. It can take many years and then we may still second guess it. Knowing what I know now about all the stuff I have been reading here, and in my own M, if I were not so tied to my family, I would leave it all behind me and start over. But I can't. And I also think my H deserves a chance. I don't see how your H does tho.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
