When I am feeling compassionate I can see that he has been as miserable as I’ve been and he’s been hurt and disappointed too. I’ve been able to use the separation to process some of that but he’s had to concentrate on this project - and that’s just the way it is. So I can believe it’s his hope and intention to work on things and he knows that involves taking responsibility and making changes but he can’t do it yet and he’s been pretty consistent in that message.
When I am feeling afraid it just feels like more of the same - for a long time I have pursued him hard to take responsibility, be honest and make some changes. I forced him into MC. He’s always had some excuse as to why he couldn’t do that - either blame, evasion or delay. I worry he’s just buying time because he doesn’t want to deal with a divorce and by waving this carrot he thinks he’s pacifying me. He is capable of cruelty and I have been on the receiving end of it from him before.
I don’t trust him partly because he lied to me so easily during the EA and partly because he’s still so withdrawn emotionally. I don’t trust him because I still haven’t seen him show any sustained remorse - he likes to play the victim or admit he has hurt me but I’m worse so have no right to actually be hurt. And I don’t trust him because I find it hard to really trust anyone and that’s my childhood stuff - I own it and I am working on it but I’m not there yet.
I guess at the moment I just have to accept I don’t trust him, work on myself and see what he does when he’s free to make whatever choices he likes without me pursuing him. I do need to decide what actions he’d need to take for me to be able to get on board with piecing and I don’t know what I want to see from him or what that would look like yet.
He’s not in IC but has agreed to family therapy with the focus on positive co-parenting and he’s had one session with that therapist alone in order to prep. First family session soon. I invited him but didn’t pressure him and said I’d do it with the kids with or without him, and meant that.
