Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[P_Jam]

I don't believe in this "going grey". It's a pet peeve of mine, and my take on going dark may be different than some other posters. I believe it was in Divorce Remedy, (if not then another book I read) that said going dark was the last phase of the LRT. It's where the LBS falls off the face of the planet and the wayward spouse never has contact from him. Complete blackout. IMHO, that would be an impossible task when co-parenting children. I do think couples who have no children can go dark.

We have children that is why I called it going 'grey'. I can't fall off the face of the earth. But I do plan to continue DB and not checking in on ANYTHING with her that is not related to the kids. As well as ignoring any texts from her that are not about the kids.

I'm thinking about having the equivalent of an 'exit interview' with her before she moves. She has an idea that I know about her last PA (although I did not confront her directly so it's never been an official conversation). Furthermore, she might be under the impression that I still believe that she has ended the other EA's/PA's (I know she has not - but she may not have gotten physical again - yet).

An exit interview? I think that's a new one for the board. So, bottom line, you want your WW to know that she has not pulled any wool over your eyes...….plus, it's bugging you that she's not been confronted, "officially"? What is it you wish to accomplish? You've already asked her to move out, so if you didn't confront her about the latest guy before you asked her to leave, I don't see the point of confronting.

My thought here is specific to two things. Practicing being more direct and confrontational (NGS). Also the escalation to the random one night stand with a stranger is new for her, and I know it affected her emotionally. She did/does feel remorse for this particular behavior (much more than the others). So I wanted to drive the the point home that I'm aware of this and highlight the compulsive nature of the scenario and that it is getting worse.

Here's where I stand on the subject of confrontation. It begs for a consequence. Just like when a parent confronts their teenager about some wayward behavior they've shown, that parent better be ready to ground them or something else. I mean, the first time it happens, you may be able to confront, talk through it and point out all the issues and then say, "Just don't let it happen again". However, if it does happen again...….then what? Another talk? Do you see what I'm saying?

Kind of.. but it is more of a parting shot <-- maybe a bad term but refer to above about compulsive behavior- considering my plan of action does not really change no matter what she says. One underlying current her is the compulsive issue. I had a compulsive sexual issue myself and months ago when I first confronted her about PA I asked if she felt she couldn't control her urges. She strongly rebuffed this idea. But I now know that there might be a crack in this thinking for her.

[quote]As you know she is trying to cake eat as much as she can while she is still in the house. She also seems to be under the impression that we will still be doing 'family' stuff on some weekends (ya know to keep the family unit together). Essentially, I think she is covering for cake eating in the future by acting like she is 'working on our relationship' when we are together as a family - when really it's just cake eating.

So, I thought it would be important to have a talk about what my boundaries are and why as it pertains to our relationship after the moves. Explain to her that; I believe she is still actively having EA's/PA's (details don't matter) and that I will not be ANYONE'S plan b. Therefore I don't see a lot of 'family' time for us until you are ready to actively work on your issues and our relationship. We will be 'friends' and we will work together as co-parents to make the transition for our children as smooth as possible - but our MR DOES NOT EXIST and if/when you are ready we can discuss the possibility of building something in the future - but not until you are done with OM!

It doesn't work. You and your WW have already made the decision to separate. She will see this as your way to control and/or punish her.

First, there's not a lot you can do about her cake eating as long as she's under the same roof with you. I think trying to just live peacefully for three more weeks would be the way to go, in this case. Why? B/c you've waited too late to start cracking the whip about how much cake she gets at this point. I mean, you can stop catering to her, things of that nature, but it doesn't require a R talk. In fact, it's more effective to just let her figure out why things have changed for her.

Now about discussing your boundaries...…...no, that is not effective, either. Your boundaries are set up to protect your feelings, and they don't have to be explained or negotiated in order to enforce them. Is this separation not the consequences of her dishonoring your boundaries, and the boundaries of the MR? Does she not know why you asked her to move out? See, I am wondering how this all went down and if you were clear about everything. Does she see herself leaving you b/c you lied to her? If that's the case, and since both of you are guilty of inappropriate behavior (at the least) and having an A (at the most)……….I can't see where this discussion would get you anywhere close to a positive note.

She does not really know why I asked her to move out. She thinks it just because I did not feel like she was working on the R. In reality it was because she slept with someone else (which was a boundary I set early on for staying in the house). <-- This is why I have such a drive to clarify and confront.

I'm sure it's frustrating to become better educated in DBing after the fact, so to speak. However, you can't go back now and try to say/do the things that should have been done before you told her to move out. Make sense?

I suggest you not do ANYTHING without running it by the board and giving it a couple of days. Years ago, 72 hours was the amount of waiting time suggested. These days, it's hard to get people to just hold up for a couple of days before they say or act on their feelings or act on something new they've read in a book. I also want to point out that the advice you may read on another person's thread, may not apply in your situation. People get carried away and think there is one set of rules that apply for every sitch under the sun.

I can give it a couple of days easily.. My thought is really to do it at the very end. Setting the groundwork for how our communication will abruptly change once she at the new address. so I've got 2-3 weeks

Therefore I don't see a lot of 'family' time for us until you are ready to actively work on your issues and our relationship.

No, no, you don't explain this to her. (She can't have family time if you don't partake.) This is something the WW can figure out for herself. If you take it upon yourself to tell her, then she'll mark it down to you being uncooperative. punitive, controlling, etc. But if she has to experience less family time, it will eventually occur to her that this is the consequences when families break up. She may not take complete responsibility for it ..….but that's not your decision to make. She may put the breakup all on your shoulders. There will have to be a lot of family therapy before the relationship heals, b/c of the cheating on both sides.

This makes a lot of sense to me! As far as family time I will NOT explain it. But what about she asks? "why can't we grab lunch with the kids after their football game? Really, I can't come in and see you when I drop off the kids? etc.

I want you to think of something about this cheating on both sides. I can't remember when you said you stopped everything, but I remember you confessed the A to your WW when you confronted her about her A. Although she was behaving like GGW and hooking up with guys, the news of your A's and the two years of lying was fresh to her. You had been snooping on her, and had known for awhile about her A, but she was hit all at once about you. If I am incorrect, tell me. I don't know if she had suspicioned you of cheating, but I can promise you she's going to throw it in your face if you approach her as "the more faithful spouse than her" with some of these things you want to say.

Noted. and you are correct about the time line and sitch. I stopped over 2yrs ago. I do not look at myself as the more faithful. Only the more recovered. and slightly more knowledgeable/educated on the causes.

With that said, how are you holding up through the withdrawals since you've stopped sexting?

Sexting was never the issue.. I think you mean 'snooping'. I'm definitely going through some withdrawal. It didn't really matter if it was good or bad information I received, it felt good to have something to do in regards to the sitch as well as getting immediate feedback for my LRT <-- I could understand/know how it was affecting her. But I will get there. I just keep telling myself that stopping now while she is in the house as a ramp down instead of a cold hard stop when she is no longer around is best for me.

I encourage you to keep coming to the board, and continue getting professional help. Focus on healing yourself first. ((hugs))

Yes, I will probably be even more active as this is where I can feel like "I'm doing something" for the sitch without messing up my DB!