Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[sandi2]

One question for you Sandy (not sure if you read through my entire sitch). Based on where I am now (WW). I plan to go dark/grey as soon as she is out basically LRT. I haven't talked about R or pursued in over 3 weeks. So when she goes I plan to just keep any communication about the kids. Do you agree with this strategy? Not sure I really have any other options.

I would think you are already applying the LRT, since you asked her to leave. I mean, physical separation can be one of the last resort steps the LBS takes when his/her spouse refuses to end their wayward lifestyle, rather than working on the MR.

I don't believe in this "going grey". It's a pet peeve of mine, and my take on going dark may be different than some other posters. I believe it was in Divorce Remedy, (if not then another book I read) that said going dark was the last phase of the LRT. It's where the LBS falls off the face of the planet and the wayward spouse never has contact from him. Complete blackout. IMHO, that would be an impossible task when co-parenting children. I do think couples who have no children can go dark.

I'm thinking about having the equivalent of an 'exit interview' with her before she moves. She has an idea that I know about her last PA (although I did not confront her directly so it's never been an official conversation). Furthermore, she might be under the impression that I still believe that she has ended the other EA's/PA's (I know she has not - but she may not have gotten physical again - yet).

An exit interview? I think that's a new one for the board. So, bottom line, you want your WW to know that she has not pulled any wool over your eyes...….plus, it's bugging you that she's not been confronted, "officially"? What is it you wish to accomplish? You've already asked her to move out, so if you didn't confront her about the latest guy before you asked her to leave, I don't see the point of confronting.

Here's where I stand on the subject of confrontation. It begs for a consequence. Just like when a parent confronts their teenager about some wayward behavior they've shown, that parent better be ready to ground them or something else. I mean, the first time it happens, you may be able to confront, talk through it and point out all the issues and then say, "Just don't let it happen again". However, if it does happen again...….then what? Another talk? Do you see what I'm saying?

As you know she is trying to cake eat as much as she can while she is still in the house. She also seems to be under the impression that we will still be doing 'family' stuff on some weekends (ya know to keep the family unit together). Essentially, I think she is covering for cake eating in the future by acting like she is 'working on our relationship' when we are together as a family - when really it's just cake eating.

So, I thought it would be important to have a talk about what my boundaries are and why as it pertains to our relationship after the moves. Explain to her that; I believe she is still actively having EA's/PA's (details don't matter) and that I will not be ANYONE'S plan b. Therefore I don't see a lot of 'family' time for us until you are ready to actively work on your issues and our relationship. We will be 'friends' and we will work together as co-parents to make the transition for our children as smooth as possible - but our MR DOES NOT EXIST and if/when you are ready we can discuss the possibility of building something in the future - but not until you are done with OM!

It doesn't work. You and your WW have already made the decision to separate. She will see this as your way to control and/or punish her.

First, there's not a lot you can do about her cake eating as long as she's under the same roof with you. I think trying to just live peacefully for three more weeks would be the way to go, in this case. Why? B/c you've waited too late to start cracking the whip about how much cake she gets at this point. I mean, you can stop catering to her, things of that nature, but it doesn't require a R talk. In fact, it's more effective to just let her figure out why things have changed for her.

Now about discussing your boundaries...…...no, that is not effective, either. Your boundaries are set up to protect your feelings, and they don't have to be explained or negotiated in order to enforce them. Is this separation not the consequences of her dishonoring your boundaries, and the boundaries of the MR? Does she not know why you asked her to move out? See, I am wondering how this all went down and if you were clear about everything. Does she see herself leaving you b/c you lied to her? If that's the case, and since both of you are guilty of inappropriate behavior (at the least) and having an A (at the most)……….I can't see where this discussion would get you anywhere close to a positive note.

I'm sure it's frustrating to become better educated in DBing after the fact, so to speak. However, you can't go back now and try to say/do the things that should have been done before you told her to move out. Make sense?

I suggest you not do ANYTHING without running it by the board and giving it a couple of days. Years ago, 72 hours was the amount of waiting time suggested. These days, it's hard to get people to just hold up for a couple of days before they say or act on their feelings or act on something new they've read in a book. I also want to point out that the advice you may read on another person's thread, may not apply in your situation. People get carried away and think there is one set of rules that apply for every sitch under the sun.

Therefore I don't see a lot of 'family' time for us until you are ready to actively work on your issues and our relationship.

No, no, you don't explain this to her. (She can't have family time if you don't partake.) This is something the WW can figure out for herself. If you take it upon yourself to tell her, then she'll mark it down to you being uncooperative. punitive, controlling, etc. But if she has to experience less family time, it will eventually occur to her that this is the consequences when families break up. She may not take complete responsibility for it ..….but that's not your decision to make. She may put the breakup all on your shoulders. There will have to be a lot of family therapy before the relationship heals, b/c of the cheating on both sides.

I want you to think of something about this cheating on both sides. I can't remember when you said you stopped everything, but I remember you confessed the A to your WW when you confronted her about her A. Although she was behaving like GGW and hooking up with guys, the news of your A's and the two years of lying was fresh to her. You had been snooping on her, and had known for awhile about her A, but she was hit all at once about you. If I am incorrect, tell me. I don't know if she had suspicioned you of cheating, but I can promise you she's going to throw it in your face if you approach her as "the more faithful spouse than her" with some of these things you want to say.

With that said, how are you holding up through the withdrawals since you've stopped sexting?

I encourage you to keep coming to the board, and continue getting professional help. Focus on healing yourself first. ((hugs))