Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[P_Jam]

LH & AS,
First admittedly this is still a little bit of control I get that. I'm not yet detached I don't deny that but as I have tried to convey in previous post my W has always maintained that this relationship has hope. both in actions and words however because of my snooping and information from this board I have figured it to be cake eating. My W has never actually said this relationship is over. She said she was unhappy and has been for a while (as her reason/excuse for the PA that I caught and confronted her about). She initially ended this PA (i know for a fact cause I heard it myself). She also ended other EA (although I'm not sure those were the same type of conversations) - she might have just said my H is all over me I need to slow/stop these conversations for a while as apposed to taking responsibility and actually ending them. But I know she did end the PA. This was all back before I confronted her with the PA (remember I confronted her after everything was 'ended' but then I exposed my infidelity in the past, as well as admitted to the bugging. Once we actually made the decision for to move out she slowly started getting in contact with the PA and EA - but I'm confident she has not met up with any of them physically again - yet.


If it wasn't for me she would probably still be living in the house. She said she was looking for a place to live (but taking her sweet time to find a place). Then I snooped again and caught the random on night stand. I did not confront her about this PA at all, I just told her I agree that it's not really working with us in the same house. You aren't really 'working' on anything and I think you should move out - in 30 days. So I have never once had a conversation with her about this latest event. Through indirect ways she thinks that I might know (someone told me) but it's not been confirmed in her mind and because I have not confronted her - she may not believe I actually know for sure. And she's smart enough not to press the issue and open Pandora box just in case I don't really know what happened. I also know that this one night stand really threw her for a loop. When I was snooping she had conversations with a friend saying "What was I thinking, I didn't even know this guy? I can't believe I did that. I have I really done enough in this relationship? How did we get here and do I really need to move out to figure this stuff out?". <-- clearly compulsion.

Yes, she has told me and the kids that we are still going to be doing things as a family while we decide what works best for the entire family as we move forward. Just yesterday as we were splitting up holidays for the parenting plan (with my lawyer - she does not have one). She made comments about certain holidays Christmas, 4th of July, etc - that she is assuming she will be here with me/us at the family house for some of these. Basically assuming that after a little time and space we will be more friendly, possibly 'dating' again and doing family stuff. <-- this has always been her approach to the separation.

I know she is in contact with both the EA's and the PA - but the EA's are associated with work and right now it would not be possible for her to totally cut them off. I don't know if the conversations are more professional now or not. I'm just assuming - not. I know with the one PA she really doesn't see anything long-term and from what I know they have hung out multiple times in the last few months but have only been physical once. <-- not that this is an excuse but this is why I believe she is still really confused. She likes the attention, it is filling a void. She might even get physical again to let things play out. But for her this entire separation has been about 'space' to figure things out between us (and definitely still working on our relationship). I"m the one that has drawn the hard line. Because I know we can't really work on the R if she is still out playing the field. However, because of my NGS and being afraid that she will turn the snooping/bugging around on me again I have been chicken to confront her again with everything that I know.

This is why I thought of the exit interview. I would still probably not let her know how much detail I have about all the EA's/PA's but I would make it clear that I'm aware it is many more than the 1 or 2 I have confronted her on.

There is a good chance she is thinking that I only know about 1 EA and 1 PA - both supposedly ended already. And the separation/moving out is more about the bugging (her not feeling comfortable in the house) and taking a little time to figure out why she did those things. Which makes sense, until you factor in the fact that I actually know more than this. I also understand that her actions are compulsive (I don't think she understand this yet). I have my 'reasons' for my infidelity and it took me a while to realize I was compulsive and that the issues were inside me. Not her or our relationship. She is definitely wayward and I don't deny she able to do this due to lack of respect for me. That being said; i do believe she has fully convinced herself that it's because she believe she's missing "Mr. Right" and the passion/honeymoon feeling is the way relationship should be all the time. She knows/believes i have something to do with putting her in this situation but she has never tried to outwardly blame me or our relationship for her actions. Only that she has "some stuff to figure out". Because of this board I believe this all to be cake eating - but in my gut I don't believe it to be outward manipulation - meaning that I don't think she consciously knows she is keeping me as a safety net (plan b). I think she wants it to work out, but we all know that it will never work out until she figures her stuff out on her own (but she doesn't know/believe this is ultimately her responsibility and doesn't realize this is all fantasy.) In my opinion it is cake eating but more on the subconscious level then continuous.