Thanks for the support, I need some encouragement today.
update:
Well Friday night H went out with OW. Surprisingly he came home instead of staying out all night. I didn't ask what happened and just acted like it was normal. The next day we spent together working on stuff in the house. That evening I got a chance to check his phone. There were a lot of text messages between them. They had a big fight friday night and again Saturday afternoon. Here are some of the messages,
On friday night:
H to OW: You are a spoiled brat, it's not my fault that you can't stop lying. Don't call me again unless you are ready to apologize.
OW to H: You are just like everyone else, even my own family. I am such a fool.
On Saturday:
OW to H: you won't live one life instead of two. So what more is there to say? Have a nice life.
(Funny, I have been saying the same thing to H....I love the way she thinks that 'one life' means with her though.)
H to OW: I took all my stuff from your place yesterday, except for my watch. I am glad to know that me being in pain is funny to you.
Of course after reading these I was VERY happy. I guess OW is getting tired of being OW. This was the first time I heard H calling her names or her mention his 'double life'.
Unfortunately, it was short lived. On Saturday night we went to the movies. It was nice, H kissed me and held my hand. Then one of his buddies called him and asked him to go out and he went. He called me later just to say hi. I wanted to ask him if he was coming home, but I didn't.
He didn't show up until later the next day. I asked him if he went to see OW afterwards, and at first he didn't admit it, but then he did. I felt so frustrated. I knew that I shouldn't have read too much into the fight. They have fought before too. But I was hoping that since he has gotten so much closer to me now that he would just give up on her since they were fighting so much.
I know that it is bad dbing, but I couldn't help it. H knew that I was upset. I told him that I am getting tired of this situation. H asked me what I meant. I told him that it is very painful for me and drains my strength. He asked me if I still loved him? I said yes. He said even though I love someone else? I just sighed.
I told him that his feelings for me have changed over the past couple months, and that he should re-evaluate the situation. He then said that he was thinking about things and he thinks that his feelings actually haven't changed. That what he has been feeling is 'nostalgia'!! I got angry inside but remained calm. I told him that it was not simply nostalgia, but if he wanted to believe that then fine. It should be very easy to let go of me if that is all it is. I told him maybe he should move out and be with her, then and we can both get on with out lives. H was quiet.
Later he asked me what do I want him to do? I told him that I want him to stop living in denial, to be realistic about our situation. I told him that right now, he is scared to make a decision, so he is living in limbo land for as long as he can. That he is waiting for either OW to get tired and end things, or for me to. I told him that I hope for his sake that OW gets tired first, cause otherwise, if I am the one to leave, he will be in for a lifetime of agony.
H asked me why do I say that? I told him that even though he doesn't let what other people think rule his actions (he used to constantly say that he isn't going to do what everyone wants him to do), he does care VERY much about how people think of him. How is he going to feel when he disappoints and hurts everyone that we love? I told him that my dad loves him and thinks the world of him, how will H be able to look him in the eyes and see his disappointment and pain? How about our son? How will you cope with his disappointment everyday? H said very quietly that I know him very well. I just nodded and went on with what I was doing.
Later that night we were watching tv, there was a show about a woman telling her husband that she was pregnant. I asked H to please change the channel. H asked me if I was sad cause I am not going to have a baby? I said yes. He then commented that if I really wanted one, I could have stopped taking the pill and gotten pregnant by now. (WTF!!)
I turned to him and said that I do want a baby with him more than anything, BUT if I had tricked him into having one, he would hate me for it. That he would be miserable cause he had to leave OW, so I would be miserable too. (H told me a few months ago that if I ever got pregnant he would have to end things with OW).
This baby thing is confusing me. I want to do a recap of some of the things H has said on the topic. Please tell me what you think about it:
-One of the main problems in our R is that H wanted a baby very badly 2 years ago, I thought we should wait. H agreed at the time, but has resented me for it secretly and thought that I didn't want to have one with him. This anger has only surfaced since the bomb, I had no idea he felt that way before. Since he told me, I did my best to reassure him about the truth, that he jumped to the wrong conclusions.
-He asked me a few times if I was still on the pill back in June and July. He then said that he thought I might try to get pregnant to force him to stay.
-In june, when he was tipsy, he cried and told me that when he thinks of having children, he thinks of having them with me not OW.
-In July, during one of his heart to heart talks with me, he told me that he knew he was just being foolish (with OW). He said that if I got pregnant then he would have to
face reality and come back to me.
-last week he told me that maybe I could 'forget' to take my pill everynow and then, or that maybe I should just stop taking them altogether.
-yesterday he said that I could get pregnant if I stopped taking the pill.
Okay what the hell is going on in his mind? If I ask him directly if he wants to have a baby with me now, he says no. But then he drops all these hints about it. I know that on one level he does, usually he only admits that when he is drunk. Is he trying to tell me that he wants me to get pregnant so that he can have a reason to break things off with OW? That right now, he can't seem to do it for himself or me, but that he could for a baby?
I have a feeling that in H's warped mind, he thinks that if I truly love him, I would do anything to get him back, including getting pregnant, especially since he told me that he would end things with OW if that happened. I think he is not strong enough to stay away from her, that he needs something to wake him up out of his fantasy land.
I won't lie, the thought has crossed my mind. But I can't do something like that sneakily. I don't want that burden on me. If we make a baby, we should both be responsible. Maybe I will tell H that I am not going to take the pill after next month. I will say that there is since we supposed to be separated we shouldn't be ML. I will tell him that I don't want to deal with the side effects anymore, etc...I will tell him that if we ML, there is a chance I will get pregnant. I will tell him if he doesn't want to take that chance then he should stop ML.
I think it will be a win-win situation for me. Either he will stop ML with me, then he can see what it feels like not to be with me and miss me even more. OR he will keep Ml with me and I get pregnant and he leaves OW.
Of course I am just thinking out loud about this right now, I don't know if I would actually go through with it...
In regards to the sitch with OW, I know it is just a matter of time, especially since they are fighting again. I know that I could end things quickly for them by telling OW the truth. I am getting discouraged by the way H seems to be keeping his R with OW going as long as he can. I know that he won't be the one to end it on his own.
Or I could just continue to wait it out. Not sure....
