Wow, how great for you!! What I wouldnt give to have my H tell me he wants a family!! Tell me what you are doing, because I wanna try it!! Whatever it is, it seems to be working...those words should make you feel so good!!! I keep praying that your H will decide to get rid of OW, like mine did...even though its not the best now, like you have said, at least she is out of his life. Keep up the good work!!
Hey Steve, thanks for the links I will definately check them out, the more information I have to better equipped I am to deal with this.
thanks 2much, I am CAUTIOUSLY optimistic about his comments regarding having a baby and his feelings towards me. It's not like we were sitting down having a conversation about it. He VERY hesitantly suggested that MAYBE I could stop taking the pill. Also he was tipsy at the time. Even so, he didn't come right out and say it, I think it was more him voicing the thoughts in his head. But I am very happy that those thoughts ARE in is head... I can't wait for the OW to be gone like in your sitch, so we can move on in our R. Thanks for your prayers, you are in mine too...
2 much, don't get to frustrated. Just remember you need to be patient with your H. He has already made the huge step of letting go of his OW. Maybe do some of the stuff you guys used to do in the beginning of your R. Try and remember how you used to act, in other words act as if you just met your H. I dunno, won't hurt anyways.
Well we'll see if he retreats now after making such big admissions to me... I am ready for it....
Surprisingly, I am not as happy as I was 2 days ago when H said that he didn't want to 'waste' a day out with OW. That made me very happy, whereas last nights comments just give me hope that we are moving in the right direction, I guess I am hesitant to react to them, just as he was hesitant to tell me.
Also I think I need that sitch with OW to be resolved before I let myself get too excited about anything moving forward in our R.
You are exactly right, until the OW is totally gone, keep up the DBing and taking care of you.
Now may be the to try some new clothes, a new perfume, hairstyle, etc... Just be pretty. Keep smiling and PMAing while he is around. It is kind of like YOU are becoming the OW. Create the excitment and mystery. Let's see where it goes!!!
Thanks for the support, I need some encouragement today.
update:
Well Friday night H went out with OW. Surprisingly he came home instead of staying out all night. I didn't ask what happened and just acted like it was normal. The next day we spent together working on stuff in the house. That evening I got a chance to check his phone. There were a lot of text messages between them. They had a big fight friday night and again Saturday afternoon. Here are some of the messages,
On friday night:
H to OW: You are a spoiled brat, it's not my fault that you can't stop lying. Don't call me again unless you are ready to apologize.
OW to H: You are just like everyone else, even my own family. I am such a fool.
On Saturday:
OW to H: you won't live one life instead of two. So what more is there to say? Have a nice life.
(Funny, I have been saying the same thing to H....I love the way she thinks that 'one life' means with her though.)
H to OW: I took all my stuff from your place yesterday, except for my watch. I am glad to know that me being in pain is funny to you.
Of course after reading these I was VERY happy. I guess OW is getting tired of being OW. This was the first time I heard H calling her names or her mention his 'double life'.
Unfortunately, it was short lived. On Saturday night we went to the movies. It was nice, H kissed me and held my hand. Then one of his buddies called him and asked him to go out and he went. He called me later just to say hi. I wanted to ask him if he was coming home, but I didn't.
He didn't show up until later the next day. I asked him if he went to see OW afterwards, and at first he didn't admit it, but then he did. I felt so frustrated. I knew that I shouldn't have read too much into the fight. They have fought before too. But I was hoping that since he has gotten so much closer to me now that he would just give up on her since they were fighting so much.
I know that it is bad dbing, but I couldn't help it. H knew that I was upset. I told him that I am getting tired of this situation. H asked me what I meant. I told him that it is very painful for me and drains my strength. He asked me if I still loved him? I said yes. He said even though I love someone else? I just sighed.
I told him that his feelings for me have changed over the past couple months, and that he should re-evaluate the situation. He then said that he was thinking about things and he thinks that his feelings actually haven't changed. That what he has been feeling is 'nostalgia'!! I got angry inside but remained calm. I told him that it was not simply nostalgia, but if he wanted to believe that then fine. It should be very easy to let go of me if that is all it is. I told him maybe he should move out and be with her, then and we can both get on with out lives. H was quiet.
Later he asked me what do I want him to do? I told him that I want him to stop living in denial, to be realistic about our situation. I told him that right now, he is scared to make a decision, so he is living in limbo land for as long as he can. That he is waiting for either OW to get tired and end things, or for me to. I told him that I hope for his sake that OW gets tired first, cause otherwise, if I am the one to leave, he will be in for a lifetime of agony.
H asked me why do I say that? I told him that even though he doesn't let what other people think rule his actions (he used to constantly say that he isn't going to do what everyone wants him to do), he does care VERY much about how people think of him. How is he going to feel when he disappoints and hurts everyone that we love? I told him that my dad loves him and thinks the world of him, how will H be able to look him in the eyes and see his disappointment and pain? How about our son? How will you cope with his disappointment everyday? H said very quietly that I know him very well. I just nodded and went on with what I was doing.
Later that night we were watching tv, there was a show about a woman telling her husband that she was pregnant. I asked H to please change the channel. H asked me if I was sad cause I am not going to have a baby? I said yes. He then commented that if I really wanted one, I could have stopped taking the pill and gotten pregnant by now. (WTF!!)
I turned to him and said that I do want a baby with him more than anything, BUT if I had tricked him into having one, he would hate me for it. That he would be miserable cause he had to leave OW, so I would be miserable too. (H told me a few months ago that if I ever got pregnant he would have to end things with OW).
This baby thing is confusing me. I want to do a recap of some of the things H has said on the topic. Please tell me what you think about it:
-One of the main problems in our R is that H wanted a baby very badly 2 years ago, I thought we should wait. H agreed at the time, but has resented me for it secretly and thought that I didn't want to have one with him. This anger has only surfaced since the bomb, I had no idea he felt that way before. Since he told me, I did my best to reassure him about the truth, that he jumped to the wrong conclusions.
-He asked me a few times if I was still on the pill back in June and July. He then said that he thought I might try to get pregnant to force him to stay.
-In june, when he was tipsy, he cried and told me that when he thinks of having children, he thinks of having them with me not OW.
-In July, during one of his heart to heart talks with me, he told me that he knew he was just being foolish (with OW). He said that if I got pregnant then he would have to
face reality and come back to me.
-last week he told me that maybe I could 'forget' to take my pill everynow and then, or that maybe I should just stop taking them altogether.
-yesterday he said that I could get pregnant if I stopped taking the pill.
Okay what the hell is going on in his mind? If I ask him directly if he wants to have a baby with me now, he says no. But then he drops all these hints about it. I know that on one level he does, usually he only admits that when he is drunk. Is he trying to tell me that he wants me to get pregnant so that he can have a reason to break things off with OW? That right now, he can't seem to do it for himself or me, but that he could for a baby?
I have a feeling that in H's warped mind, he thinks that if I truly love him, I would do anything to get him back, including getting pregnant, especially since he told me that he would end things with OW if that happened. I think he is not strong enough to stay away from her, that he needs something to wake him up out of his fantasy land.
I won't lie, the thought has crossed my mind. But I can't do something like that sneakily. I don't want that burden on me. If we make a baby, we should both be responsible. Maybe I will tell H that I am not going to take the pill after next month. I will say that there is since we supposed to be separated we shouldn't be ML. I will tell him that I don't want to deal with the side effects anymore, etc...I will tell him that if we ML, there is a chance I will get pregnant. I will tell him if he doesn't want to take that chance then he should stop ML.
I think it will be a win-win situation for me. Either he will stop ML with me, then he can see what it feels like not to be with me and miss me even more. OR he will keep Ml with me and I get pregnant and he leaves OW.
Of course I am just thinking out loud about this right now, I don't know if I would actually go through with it...
In regards to the sitch with OW, I know it is just a matter of time, especially since they are fighting again. I know that I could end things quickly for them by telling OW the truth. I am getting discouraged by the way H seems to be keeping his R with OW going as long as he can. I know that he won't be the one to end it on his own.
Or I could just continue to wait it out. Not sure....
Slow down!! Making life decisions based on your emotions rarely works!!! DO NOT GET PREGNANT TO WIN HIM BACK.
You are talking about a family here, another life! Adding a child to an already troubled relationship can not make things better!
Tell him..... When you are recommitted to our relationship and have ended all contact with the other woman forever and have proven this to me by total honesty and rebuilding my trust in you, I will gladly be the mother of our children.Period.
You must stand your ground on this.
My feelings are, that without a strong marriage, children have a greater chance of adding to the stress in a marriage than reducing it. This is from my own experience. (D5 D7)
Please correct the issue at hand before committing to anything else. Children deserve both parents, as their parents. A loving family under the same roof.
As far as your Hs actions. He is confused. He is trying to work an angle (kids) to see who is willing to meet his needs. His needs though are based on his emotions right now. Again, not a good decision making process. Don't believe his words, believe his actions. When his actions speak to what you want in your relationship with him, THEN consider starting the family.
It is very common for a wayward spouse to waffle back and forth during attempts to reconcile. Very similar to an addiction. They say they want to stop, and do for a short time, then fall off of the wagon. This can repeat many times. By standing your ground and letting him know up front, what your conditions of reconciliation are, you actually become the confident, strong and more desireable partner, than someone who gives in on any issue that comes along.
I hate using cliches but, If you let him go to make his decisions, and he chooses you, based on what everyone knows to be a sound and respected marriage relationship, then you have accomplished your goal together with dignity and honor.
Take things slow, be patient and stand for what you know to be the best decision.
thanks Steve, don't worry I will not make any decisions based on emotion. I was just thinking out loud and trying to make sense of H's conflicting messages to me. If he keeps saying stuff about babies, I will come right out and tell him the stuff you suggested. We actually had this discussion a few months ago, H and I both agreed that it wouldn't be fair to the baby unless we were together. But back then he was adamant about us NOT having one. Now he is making hints.....
I guess I am just frustrated at the lack of a decision on his part. So many things are happening to bring us closer together. Yet he refuses to be honest with OW, thus prolonging their relationship. He knows she will break up with him if she finds out the truth. He knows that it is INEVITABLE that she will eventually find out, yet he won't end things now. He doesn't understand that the longer he keeps this going, the harder it will be for everyone....
I know he needs a wake up call, but I am not sure what it will be, or if it will come from me....
Remember when I said you are becoming the other woman? I truely think that you are. Before, your H was keeping secrets from you, because he didn't want to hurt you. He feared what might happen. Sound familiar?
Patience, Patience. There are no gaurantees, but it appears that things are headed in a positive direction.
It would be far more important right now to focus on not doing anything wrong, than worrying about doing everything right. Before responding to anything, ask yourself..."will what I am about to say, help me reach my goal?".
Validate his feelings. Listen, care and understand.
Steve, thanks for your advice. I sort of blew it though...more on that towards the end of the post.
Monday night:
H was using his cell phone, then he asked to see mine. He said he wanted to check features on it. I didn't believe his reason but I gave it to him anyways. Then I looked at my phone and he had sent the following message:
"I don't know why you are avoiding my calls, but you better have a good reason. I'm going to bed now, my battery is low so I am going to charge it."
I looked at him and asked him why did he sent me this? He said he made a mistake. I said "Yeah right, you sent it to me by mistake huh? So she's avoiding you now? " He didn' t answer. Hahaha, H must feel pretty dumb about that one. I know he doesn't want me to know that he and OW are fighting.
Tuesday night:
I checked the messages and they said:
H to OW: I know you didn't call me to tell me you were going out cause you went to play pool with those guys. I know you said they are just your friends, but then why hide it from me?
OW to H: I didn't answer cause I didn't hear the phone, and then you said you were going to sleep so I didn't want to wake you.
H to OW: This is the last straw, I am not going to answer your calls anymore. Didn't you read your email?
OW to H: What email? Baby don't be mad at me.
OW to H: just calling to say goodnight, I love you
H didn't respond or call her all evening.
Then last night (wed) there were a lot more text messages between them, I can't remember them all but here are some of them, not necessarily in order:
OW to H: I have already apologized to you and you are still mad at me.
H to OW: that wasn't an apology it was just you making excuses for your inconsiderate behaviour.
OW to H: You say that you love me? Then why are you making such a big deal about this?
OW to H: You need to decide if you love me and let this go. I will give you one week.
H to OW: Don't threaten me. I don't need a week. I will give you one day to apologize.
OW to H: you need to get over this jealousy thing cause I can't handle it, doesn't our love matter?
H to OW: Why do you keep mentioning Jealousy? That is not what this is about. I don't need you. Maybe once day we will bump into each other.
OW to H: So that it then huh?
Of course I am thrilled that she is threatening him and that they are falling apart. I do feel bad for H though cause I know he is hurting.
Last night we went out for drinks. I promised myself that if he brought up any R stuff that I would validate, validate, validate. Unfortunately, I couldn't do it, and I think I lost a good opportunity to show H that he and I can work past our problems.
He brought up stuff from the very beginning of our R (5 yrs ago) I of course got defensive cause he totally misread my intentions back then. This of course got him upset and he said that I never let him finish, that he always tries to tell me how he felt and I just get angry and interrupt him. H said he will never bring up this again, and that I will never know what he was trying to tell me.
The thing is, I had heard all of this before. I am just so sick of hearing about it that I didn't stop to think that maybe he had something more to say about it. That maybe he had reached some kind of closure or was going to put it behind him. I don't know. We basically ended the night by him saying that he thinks we are 'incompatible'. GREAT!!
I don't know if he will ever believe that he and I can work out our past issues. And to be honest, I don't know if we can either. He has a problem with seeing my side of things, and jumping to conclusions. I am have a problem keeping my mouth shut and letting him say things.
This morning I tried to do some damage control, I was nice to him and apoligized for last night. I am scared that he was testing me and I blew it. Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk I guess. I will just have to work much harder on this validating thing. I hope that H doesn't make up with OW again cause he has totally given up on us...
Don't beat yourself up so bad. What you have done is identified the exact thing that you need to work on. How bad can that be. Not only that you apologized and that can take the wind out of any sail.
Try to remember this. If you feel yourself getting angry about a conversation, just agree with what your H is saying. If he says, "you are so negative!", reply with " you're right, I can understand why you see it that way."
Two things happen. You validate what he said, and you make it very hard for him to argue if you are understanding what he says. Don't be confused. Understanding does not mean you believe it, you just see his point of view. Try it.
Keep setting small goals, practice conversations in your head and let's see what happens.
