Hi DNJ...….thank you for taking the time to reply.
I don't think I am doing fine in the sense that I still can not seem to get a handle on the anger and resentment that I have towards H. I work in healthcare and have the ability to show great kindness, compassion, sorrow, empathy and all of those emotions, but when it comes to H I seem to not be able to find it in me to show that to him. I was thinking today that my anger comes from him not meeting my expectations when it came to how I thought he should have felt and reacted after BD.
I feel like he didn't try hard enough to make sure that I was okay through all of this. I had this idea that he should do everything there was possible to make sure I was okay, that I recovered from all of this trauma and that I felt safe and secure. But in all honestly, what I really felt was abandoned.
Even when we did reconcile, I still had expectations that he should be doing more. I still did not feel like a priority. He didn't ever suggest counseling for the two of us during that time, but I did. He didn't make changes to his workout routine, which was a big deal prior, and I felt he continued to make selfish decisions (opened another credit card and didn't tell me) and to make his best friend and certain clients a priority over me/us.
The reason I am angry about the dog situation is because he has a dog and does not reach out to see him or spend time with him, but whenever his best friend leaves town, he will always offer to take care of their pets. And now he is taking care of a clients dog who is also out of town. These two people (the BFF and client) were an issue for us because he would drop everything for them and put their needs and wants over what I felt. He didn't know how to do both...….help out his friend and spend time working on us...….for him it was either one or the other.
I can remember one night he told me he was not going to be able to meet me for dinner because he had to go to his client's sons football game. This particular client, I feel has over stepped the bounds of a professional relationship, because she calls and asks H to come to her sons football games, asks him to go to the out of town games with her, and she also asks him to come to their house to work on her son (H works with high school/college athletes). She would also make it difficult for H to decline the offers because she would say "I already bought your ticket to the game" or "you should ride with me to the game" or "I will pay you to watch the dog for me." She also is the one who gave him a living room full of furniture when I asked H to leave after I found out about his affair. She has also told him that he should divorce me, told him to block me on texts, emails and social media, and has told him that he deserves better and blah blah blah.
H continues to struggle financially, so any chance he can get to make a few extra dollars he will do it, and she knows that he is struggling. I honestly think that if she ever found out that he did not have enough money to get a lawyer that she would offer to pay for it for him.....and I think he would let her.
I know that these are all examples of things that make me FEEL angry and upset. They may seem very petty, and after reading what I wrote …….it is petty, but it is the reality of what I deal with with H.
Your idea of thinking it and don't feel will most certainly take some time to get used to doing......but I will try.
I have ordered a few books online to try and help me with learning how to let go of my anger and resentment and trying to work on forgiving. I have forgiven H for his affair, but I have not forgiven other issues like how I feel like he abandoned me. Also hoping they can shed some light on letting go of expectations.
