Long time no hear. It is nice to hear from a familiar voice and so nice to see how much more settled and happy you are. I remember those that started here round the same time as me (you, Harvey, Burned, DV, Yorkie to name a few) and although sitchs have taken different trajectories, we all, I think are doing OK. We all came here looking for answers but instead found us. In any case, I check in on you too, just the other day, whilst responding on AlisonUKs thread re GALg I remember when you had joined a walking group.
I get what you mean re lonely with them. In the months leading to BD it was always just me and the girls. He was either working or out with his friends. When he was here he wasn't really here. This was partly my doing - I resented him being away + he was so moody when he was here, that I retaliated by making him uncomfortable when he was here. I knew I was doing it too. Which doesn't cast me in a very good light, but part of this journey is facing up to our faults. In any case I am rarely lonely. I like my own space. It was tough when he took the kids away on holidays (too much space, too much time to spend thinking about our family holidays together) but for the most part, I like being home on my own.
In my darker moments I wonder if the standing thing is stupid pride or, even worse, fear of being rejected by someone else, and tbh it is probably partly these things. But, it is also partly because I know I still love him and I know that he still loves me.
But today is not one of those darker moments. I had a good day at work, flirted a little with the boy (good for the ego) and came home early so I could take D12 to buy a new jacket and then took both girls out to dinner. We had a nice meal together, came home and they did homework whilst I updated my thread. H called when I was about to get in the shower and I ignored it and let one of the girls answer it downstairs. He is not calling to talk to me and the girls are capable of answering the phone themselves. Note: there is no anger behind that last sentence. When I came downstairs D12, in a very conspiratorial voice said "Daddy's angry with you because you didn't take D9 to her tutor group". I smiled back and said "I am sure he'll be OK". D9 then said something about daddy being really angry and that it was a waste of money (he pays for the tutor group) and I smiled and laughingly said "It will be OK - I'll just tell him I forgot". I can't change what's happened, I can't control his reaction, so there is no point getting anxious or worried about it.
