Yes, I think you're right. Now is not the right time, but soon, if things don't change, I will have to go dark. It's too exhausting being in this place and having so much hope for so long. I can't live like this indefinitely with pleasant interactions and no physical or emotional intimacy. And a constant feeling of rejection.
I find that the pleasant interactions themselves feel like a rejection. I want to yell "I am your W FFS, I am not the person at the shop selling you X, we shared a bed for 15 years, can we talk about something real". But I can't. Because he is not ready. I always try and think of why he is doing it - because he too, doesn't know how to be around me. So he keeps it shallow. He keeps it safe. The trick is to just learn to think of them like the person serving me at the shop.
Going dark gives you space to reflect away from the turbulence of his emotions and his behavior. It also gives him an opportunity to miss you. If the interactions are too much. If you find yourself constantly dissecting, analyzing and doubting yourself, then perhaps going dark is what you need. If you are not at the whims of his benaviour and his mood, then I would just ease up a bit. Plan more things without him. Start limiting your interactions but keep those interactions you have pleasant. Don't suggest doing things together, but don't say no if he initiates (unless you already have plans, in which case, don't change your plans).
Originally Posted by dillydaf
One interesting thing he said after I said I felt rejected on Tuesday night that he shoved me towards the station and went off, he said he looked back and I didn't. Now, that to me says a lot about his behaviour this whole time: shove me away and then look after me with fear that I'm abandoning him.
I would ask myself "why" would he tell you this. To me it is temp checking. He saw you felt rejected and was worried he'd gone too far. After I discovered my H was dating, he was around every day for a week. He was overly friendly - he cleaned my car, he painted a wall, he rang me up to remind me about needing to do my MOT and then offered to take the car to the garage for me. On one of those days we had an R conversation which escalated (I escalated) to talking about formalizing the separation. Afterwards, with me in tears, he asked me if I wanted to come to lunch with him and D12.
In any case, understanding the motivations behind an action does not change the action itself. It just gives you more insight into it. Carry on doing you and let him do him.
