Well my good mood didn't last too long. Last night H suggested we go out. The conversation was good, until H brought up some stuff that bothered him about us. He mentioned something that happened 5 years ago, and said because of that incident he has had 'theories' about us, and he basically said that he felt I haven't been totally honest with him, or at least that he didn't know if he can believe me when I say certain things. I tried to validate a little, however, I became defensive, I will not let him make assumptions etc... that I know in my heart are not true. Anyways we spent about 1/2hour arguing about the issue, then we went home. When we got there I said that I didn't realize how much he DIDN"T want to be with me, that he must really want to get out of our R since he is pointing out all of these obsure things.
He was quiet and then said that he was just trying to tell me how he felt. I said yes, I understand that, however you are also being accusatory, that makes me defensive. He apoligized, and I apoligized too, I told him that I don't have much energy to deal with things these days because of our situation. He held me and said he realizes that, and that he is sorry. He said he doesn't want to fight with me.
I said me neither. The argument had a sobering effect on my good mood, it made me feel kinda hopeless, like what's the point of all my hard work if he can't get past the little crap?
He was a bit tipsy from the drinks, I am surprised at the way he backed down and that it mattered so much to him that we 'make up'.
H said 2 things yesterday that make me believe that he is changing his attitude about us:
1. He asked me if I am still on the pill. I said yes, but that I forgot to take it and I need to get one now. He said hesitantly, well, maybe you should forget to take it every now and then. (huh?) I played along and said, yes you're right maybe I could forget once and a while. H said, maybe you could even stop taking it, you know, if you aren't going to be with anyone else right now, then you could stop. I just nodded my head.
WOW - having a baby has been one of the major issues we have had. He wanted one, I made us wait. Then the bomb dropped. Now I am ready to have one, but he said no. So by telling me I should stop taking the pill, I think he is starting to consider us having a baby again.
We ML, and after H said 'I think you should take your pill for tonight.' I said okay. Obviously he is hesitant about it, but I am happy that he is starting to be open to the idea of us starting a family again.
2. H told me that he wanted me to know something. H said that even though he is talking about stuff that bothered him about us, it doesn't change the way he feels about me. That I don't need to get defensive, he is just trying to communicate with me, not find reasons to keep us apart. I told him I understand.
Then he said "Things may not work out between me and OW, I know that you don't seem to think they will." If that happens I want you to know that you are the only other person I would ever want to be with. I feel this way now, and I felt it 3 months ago too. Even if my baby moves on in her life, I will not go looking for anyone else, I would rather be alone, if I couldn't be with you again."
This is huge! For months he has been telling me that even if him and OW don't last, our R won't work etc... That he just doesn't have those feelings for me anymore etc...
I think he is falling for me again (and who could resist really ) Moving in the right direction......
(although I am a bit scared as to what will happen once OW is gone, guess I should start reading about that instead of focusing on the infidelity sections...)
) Moving in the right direction......
