BD Octo 2017, MO Mar 2018. Currently still in limbo.
I suspect the BD started 6 - 9 months before the actual day. He had for some time been distant, angry, working more, watching TV until very late at night and generally checking out of family life. Spent a lot of months pre BD walking on egg shells, being constantly worried about what he would get angry about, and making myself more and more silent (I am a distancer). There was some typical MLC behavior (new car, hair plugs, teeth whitened, spending hours at the gym, going on 'lad's holidays) but suspect it was largely depression.
BD was precipitated by me. I asked him what was wrong. He seemed genuinely surprised, said he didn't know I was so unhappy and seemed keener than I to work on our relationship. The following month I worked really hard on our relationship (pursuit) and he pulled back. Lots of "It's too late", "We can't change" and general pulling away. I felt rejected and tried harder. He pulled back more. We tried MC but this just gave him a forum to complain about everything I had done going back years. He said he felt like he needed to say something to justify how he felt so he was looking for reasons. During this period he checked out more and more. He got more and more angry. He would go for days without speaking to me and barely acknowledging the girls. He acknowledged many times he still loved me (at my insistence) and that he did not know what was wrong. There was no OW.
After he MO he focused on the children. He became (and remains) the ideal dad. He loves our kids. He loves our dog. He loves our home. He keeps me at arms length. He tried dating but I don't think it went anywhere. I don't know this for sure, but he is a pilot so away about 3 nights per week and then sees the kids the other three nights. He has at most, one night a week free. On these nights he makes a thing of telling me he is going to the gym, or going to football or going to watch a boxset. He does go out a couple of nights a month but he also makes a big deal of telling me who he is going with (always mates).
I can see that he is working on his temper. He has, in the months leading to BD and until recently, had very little patience with me. If anything went wrong, he would be quick to say that it was my fault. If I said something was black he would say it was blue. If something went missing, I had moved it. He became more critical and I became more defensive. I can see him trying to hold back the criticism (it is still there, just not articulated). I am trying not to let his comments feel like attacks.
I am doing OK. Mostly calm. Occasionally I feel down - this has been a long process full of uncertainty and doubt. It can also be lonely. I am trying not to be led by my emotions or (more importantly) his emotions and behaviour. I lost a lot of weight post BD and it is now starting to come back (in a healthy way). Since BD I have changed jobs, negotiated two pay rises, made a lot of good friends and am rediscovering long lost aspects of my personality. I have been on two holidays on my own (Casablanca and Chamonix) and two long weekends away. I have taken the girls away on my own (one holiday and two long weekends). I have spent a few nights dancing the night away. I think I have gained a lot of empathy for other people - I feel their pain because I have been there. I am more compassionate and forgiving. I notice and appreciate the positive things in my life - you don't notice because you're too busy living life. I notice sunsets, the smell of different foods, trees, birds singing, the cold air on my face. I have gotten closer to my girls and know in my heart that they will be fine because they have two parents who love them very very much.
