So I talked to W again last night on the phone, was a bit all over the place and then the EA came up, I tried to find out how long this has been going on. She says we are not together it's none of my business. I know it has been going on since before BD, just not how long before. so I said it is my business when it was going on while we were together. She completely refused to tell me.
Try to avoid asking stuff like this, it's pressure and she wants zero pressure from you right now. If she approaches you for recon THEN you can make it a condition that she answer your questions about her affair.
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W: Ok what if I came to you and said I want to work on our marriage. Would you? M: yes.We would both need to do a lot of work before we could consider reconciling.
You don't want to keep reaffirming to her that you are Plan B. She already knows all she needs to do is snap her fingers and you'll come running. And that is not attractive to her.
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W:How? The trust is broken and that's why I'm wanting to leave because of the trust with money. M: Because, yes I will have my trust issues due to you being in an EA, just like you have your trust issue due to the money situation. But trust can be rebuilt and it will take time. Just like how I want to work on the money issue and work together on it. The same can be done with this. And just like what happened with the money, it happened. Nothing can be done to change it.That must have been difficult and frustrating for you. Is that how you feel? I can understand why you would feel that way.
Your response is too much info. This is the sort of convo you will need to have if and when she genuinely approaches you about recon. You're not even close to there yet, so you should not be engaging in these convos. Just listen to her and validate, that's it.
