Yes, I think you're right. Now is not the right time, but soon, if things don't change, I will have to go dark. It's too exhausting being in this place and having so much hope for so long. I can't live like this indefinitely with pleasant interactions and no physical or emotional intimacy. And a constant feeling of rejection.
One interesting thing he said after I said I felt rejected on Tuesday night that he shoved me towards the station and went off, he said he looked back and I didn't. Now, that to me says a lot about his behaviour this whole time: shove me away and then look after me with fear that I'm abandoning him.
Sigh. Anyway, funnily enough I don't feel that upset, I'm just too tired and actually relieved that I said a bunch of stuff which I wanted to say and we cleared the air a little bit. I hate the whole uncertainty the ILYB and not being able to plan for the future and having felt more hopeful about our relationship than perhaps it warranted, but right now I'm too tired to care too deeply. Back to my work.
