Hi Love, I am always keeping up with your thread, souds like your weekend is going well, our sitches sound so familiar except min H does not have OW but the depression and indecisiveness is so much the same, I am happy to hear it went well, keep it in the back of your mind for when the next bad day comes and I am sure it will come for both of us. We can both be thankful for now that at least they are more confused about what they want and not so "sure" as they once were, in most cases "not sure" would be a bad thing but in ours it is ony a good thing to go from "this is waht I want and I don't care what you say" to "not sure" Keep up the good work and if you get a chance drop by my thread below and see how my weekend went. Keep strong! my current sitch info
thanks for you support kjcrampton, I haven't had a chance to comment on your thread, but I will.
On Tuesday, we were lying on the couch and he said that OW would be mad if she knew. I sighed and said "when are you going to tell that girl the truth about us? He said what do you mean? I said about the fact that we are still intimate etc... He got upset and said "Why should I tell her? So she can leave me?" Then he got up and didn't want to sit with me. He asked if that is what I was waiting for? For him to tell her then they would break up and he would get back together with me? I said no, I just said that cause you made the comment about her being mad. You know that you should be honest with her. But whatever, that's your problem. He then commented that maybe we are getting to close to each other. He said he knows he has to stop (meaning being with me). I didn't say anything, and the rest of the night went well, and we didn't let the conversation interfere with our interactions.
On Wednesday H told me he was 'going out'. I was hoping that things were slowing down between them since he didn't go with her last wed, but I guess not. He didn't text me.
On thurs morning he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with him on Friday night. (usually an OW night) I said okay. (he had just come back from being with her, I wonder if she is the one who has other plans so H is free? Or is he mad at her again?)
Then he asked if I was okay? I said that I missed him yesterday. He said that he thinks this situation isn't working, that he hates seeing me hurting. I wanted to ask him what does he expect? But we had to go to work and I didn't want to get into anything.
Now I think that he is scared to be close to me cause it will just give me hope, and then I will be even more sad in the end...I don't mope around and cry in front of him as much anymore. But I won't hide the fact that him being with OW hurts me. For 2 reasons- cause he used to believe that I didn't care about him, and because he needs to understand that hurting me is one of the consequences of his infidelity...
I have to remember to back-off and not come on so strong cause he will just run like a rabbit..... Things are not going well with them, I think he knows that they are on the path to no-where but is holding on as long as he can... He is living in fantasy land - and keeping it going by not telling OW the truth about us. H is scared that she will break up with him. Doesn't he realize that she will find out eventually? That he is just prolonging the agony and causing more damage to our M in the meantime? Soon his bubble will burst.... In the meantime, I have to remember not to do stuff that pushes him to her...spend more time on myself and not get involved with them....
Last night he told me that it's been 6 months and I am still hurting and he hates that. I asked him what did he expect? He said he really didn't think that I loved him the way I do...
On a brighter note, last night H sent OW a text message:
"You're not home yet? Don't lie later and tell me you weren't out drinking." (12am)
An hour later she sent him one back:
"I am just out with my friends having girl talk. I'll go home soon, don't worry, luv u".
I know my H doesn't trust her, and he is the VERY jealous type. I know it really bothers him that she goes out.
I just wish that THEIR relationship would pick up the pace, so that she can keep making more demands that he can't meet - then they will be fighting even more. And of course I would love for her to find out that we are still intimate somehow....Or at least that he is lying to her...I wish she would call me, I know I can't be the one to contact her, H will resent me forever for destroying his fairytale...
(note).. yesterday I noticed all the bar and dinner receipts I had conveniently 'forgotton' in the car door were no there. H must have thrown them out when he was cleaning the car...damn....I hope she saw some of them...don't worry, I will leave some more 'lying around'...
Tonight H wants to go to dinner with me, I will try to be the best date possible...
Hi Love, I haven't posted or responded to your thread for quite some time, but I've been following your story very closely and want you to know that I think you are absolutely doing the right things.
I'm farther down the path in my sitch, but our sitch's are so similar it's like I'm reliving every moment through you. It's been over a year since I find out about OW. Since then, H has moved out for 6 months, I'm 4.5 months pregnant (with H's baby, of course), and he just moved back home 2 weeks ago.
We went through exactly the same things you are going through with OW...he was getting closer to me, we ML often, he started warming up to me again, but at the same time he couldn't let go of her. I think in the end, by letting him start to see the real her and without my interference, her immaturity started showing through and he realized what he has with me is a lot more real and lasting.
The picture he painted in the beginning of the perfect woman turned out to be a lot more flawed than he let on. At first he told me they were like soulmates...instant attraction...had so much in common...she made him feel good when he was with her. In the last few months I found out she had an abortion when she was 19, has ADD, was a horrible student in school, smokes pot, etc. She was trying to make him jealous this summer by dating other guys (when she turned 21) and she would text message him with all the gory details of her dates just to hurt him.
He moved back home 2 weeks ago, changed his cell phone number because she was still text messaging him, and now he wears his wedding ring to work every day (she still works with him). I can't say all is blissful now as we have a lot of work to do, but it sure beats the situation 6 months ago!!!
Hang in there...I really think you're doing the right thing and this thing with your H and OW will fizzle out eventually. It may take some time, but it sounds like he is already starting to see some of her flaws and realizing that the flaws he thought you had are a lot less important than he originally thought.
Thanks so much for visiting my thread!! You just made my day!! It is so hard though, I feel your pain. You will get where I am, I am sure of it. But then still, like I have posted, its still hard. Hang in there girl, if I can do it, you can too...God is with you~~
Almost40 and 2much, thank you for your comments. Your posts actually brought tears to my eyes. I don't know, maybe I am overly emotional these days, or maybe I just feel really touched that you guys care so much.
2much, I am so happy that I made you feel good. I think you are doing a great job.
A lot of times I think that I don't have the strength to go on like this, and I just want to give up. This is taking SOOO long! But then your words of encouragment renew my determination. Almost40, thanks for commenting, I have missed hearing from you, it helps me tremendously to know that your sitch was so similar to mine, and that things can get better.
Some updates for the weekend, nothing major happened, but I managed to get us back on track (stop him from pulling away)....
Friday night H told me that we would go for dinner, I asked him if he was going to go out after (with OW). He said he didn't know cause we might have to watch our son if my MIL was too tired. We ended up going to one of our favourite chinese restaurants, then afterwards we went to the club district and sat on the patio having drinks. There was no R talk, it was nice, but I sensed that H wasn't really into it. I didn't ask what was bothering him and just acted as if. He didn't end up going out afterwards, EVEN THOUGH we didn't need to watch our son. I knew that it was just an excuse, he wasn't planning on going with OW. I think that SHE is the one who had other plans and H just didn't want to make a commitment to spending the night with me in case she called. Of course I am just ASSuming. Maybe he decided to stay home and used our son as the excuse? At the end of the night we went home and slept. It was nice being able to wake up on a weekend snuggling with him instead of alone.
Saturday night he told me that he was going out. I was sad. He asked me why? I just said that I would miss him. Then he makes the comment "Just cause I stayed home last night, it doesn't mean that I am not going to go out tonight, SEE you are expecting me to stay". I got angry, I told him that he is jumping to conclusions. That I wasn't reading anything into him staying home friday night. I told him that I am always sad when he isn't around, it is nothing new! He hugged me and said sorry, then he left.
He called me later but I didn't hear the phone, he left me a message - "Hi, I just wanted to see if you were okay, I'll call you later" Then he sent me a text message saying the same thing.
I didn't notice them until an hour later, so I texted him back and told him that I was okay, I asked if he was okay, and told him to call me later.
He replied with a text and said that he got my message, that he would talk to me in the morning and that he loved me. Then he sent another message around 4am telling me that he was sick and that he threw up. It might have been something he ate or that he drank.
The next day he came home late, he told me that he missed me. He said he wanted to go out with our son the weekend after next. I said sure.
I told him that I wanted to clarify some things. I said that since he went out on Wednesday (with OW) he has been making comments about me getting too close to him and being hurt etc...I told him that I wasn't sad because he stayed with me friday and then went out saturday. I told him that I have been hurting for 6 months now, that this is nothing new, that nothing has changed for me. THEN he said, "then how come I am missing you so much?" I KNEW IT - This wasn't about me, it was about him and his feelings - He is the one who is getting closer to me and is nervous about it. I just replied saying that he misses me because I am still in there somewhere (pointed to his heart). He sighed and said "I know you are".
So he stayed home one night this weekend, he called and texted me 4 times while he was with her, and signed it love H....made plans for another weekend with our family..I'd say I stopped him from running..hahaha...
At night, he asked me if I ever wonder about OW. I said there is something that bothers me. I told him that I think she is stupid. He asked why? I said because she is dating a married man and expects it to be a normal relationship! I wasn't sure how H would react, I thought he would make the comment about us being separated so she was right to act that way etc...to my surprise HE AGREED! He said that she is very naive, and definately not as smart as me.
We had an emergency yesterday - our dog bit the lady down the street. It was a bit of a mess, we both left work and went home. My younger brother-in-law left the door open and the dog got out...long story... The lady wasn't bleeding or anything but she does have a nasty bruise.
When I got home H was visibly shaken, we dealt with the situation, then he drove me back to work. I think he appreciated that I was there to help him deal with it.
Last night, we ended up buying a tv - our old one has been slowly dying. We have avoided buying a new one cause of our situation and cause financially our debt binds us together. It was his idea to buy it, then he set up the surround sound system that has been sitting in boxes since February. Again I am not reading too much into this. I think he is just trying to keep himself busy. I am just glad it's working on the house and not with OW. The more things we buy, the more our debt increases - means he can't afford to move out, and the more things we fix in the house bring us closer together as opposed to apart. I mean why fix and buy stuff for a home that will no longer exist if we divorce? I know he understands this since he made the comment a long time ago....
Well we'll see what happens the rest of the week, I have to remember not to have expectations, cause then I will be let down and he will see that and back off again...need to detach better....
Loveforever I just wanted to tell you that you are doing so good and I get allot of encouragement from your posts, especially with the husband wavering thing back and forth, ants sex but does not love you, I am sorry but I think there is no way to have sex with someone you have been with for so long and have itmean nothing. You are doing great keep up the good work, I hope to see you in the success stories soon.
KJ, I am glad that I can be a source of encouragement to you. I know we are both on difficult paths. Thanks for your support and words. I do agree that H still has feelings for me, and even though he says he is not in love with me, he insists that he still has strong feelings for me. I know that it isn't really about sex with me or the OW. He doesn't NEED to come to me for it cause he can get it from her, IF he wants to. He admitted to me that he rarely does have sex with her, and that he enjoys it more with me. That tells me that the affair is more of an EA than a PA. Unfortunately, I think it will take much longer for him to get over her because of that....
Small update:
Tuesday night (last night) my cousins, who H used to hang out with, invited H to go watch the hockey game in the east end (where OW lives).
H hasn't gone out with them for months. He always makes up excuses cause he was busy with OW. Well he decided to go, and then said he was going to go out afterwards too (meaning with OW). Usually he goes with her on Wednesday straight from work. He called me around 11pm, he told me that my cousin asked him to drive him home since he lives in our direction. Of course H didn't tell him that he wasn't going home, so he drove him all the way to the west end (a 45 min drive from the east).
Then he called me, he told me that he was going to go out. I said "you're going to drive ALL the way back to the east now? He said yes. I said he was nuts, then he replied "Well I'd rather go out tonight since I am already out, I don't want to WASTE another day tommorow going out." I immediately said sure and that I would talk to him later. I don't know if he realized what he said. He actually said 'waste a day'. So now spending time with OW is a waste? Hahahaha. I am not going to remind him what he said, I know if I question it, he will try to make some excuse like he didn't mean it that way, etc.... But he can't take it back now....
So instead of the usual dinner and drinks that start in right after work and last all night... he only spend a few hours with her. He chose instead to spend his night out with the guys who happen to also be MY family. Of course he squeezed her in... I hope this trend continues and I wonder how long she will tolerate it.....
I am very happy today, a bit too happy. I have to remember not to get my expectations up cause then I will crash even harder at the next disappointment (and I know there will be many too come still....) OR maybe I will just revel in these good feelings, I deserve it don't I? and then when I do crash, I just have to remember not to let H notice.....
Love, yes revel all you want and keep those good times in your pocket for when the next "drama" comes along, but don't let him know you are to happy. YOu are doing so good and I am so proud of you
Well my good mood didn't last too long. Last night H suggested we go out. The conversation was good, until H brought up some stuff that bothered him about us. He mentioned something that happened 5 years ago, and said because of that incident he has had 'theories' about us, and he basically said that he felt I haven't been totally honest with him, or at least that he didn't know if he can believe me when I say certain things. I tried to validate a little, however, I became defensive, I will not let him make assumptions etc... that I know in my heart are not true. Anyways we spent about 1/2hour arguing about the issue, then we went home. When we got there I said that I didn't realize how much he DIDN"T want to be with me, that he must really want to get out of our R since he is pointing out all of these obsure things.
He was quiet and then said that he was just trying to tell me how he felt. I said yes, I understand that, however you are also being accusatory, that makes me defensive. He apoligized, and I apoligized too, I told him that I don't have much energy to deal with things these days because of our situation. He held me and said he realizes that, and that he is sorry. He said he doesn't want to fight with me.
I said me neither. The argument had a sobering effect on my good mood, it made me feel kinda hopeless, like what's the point of all my hard work if he can't get past the little crap?
He was a bit tipsy from the drinks, I am surprised at the way he backed down and that it mattered so much to him that we 'make up'.
H said 2 things yesterday that make me believe that he is changing his attitude about us:
1. He asked me if I am still on the pill. I said yes, but that I forgot to take it and I need to get one now. He said hesitantly, well, maybe you should forget to take it every now and then. (huh?) I played along and said, yes you're right maybe I could forget once and a while. H said, maybe you could even stop taking it, you know, if you aren't going to be with anyone else right now, then you could stop. I just nodded my head.
WOW - having a baby has been one of the major issues we have had. He wanted one, I made us wait. Then the bomb dropped. Now I am ready to have one, but he said no. So by telling me I should stop taking the pill, I think he is starting to consider us having a baby again.
We ML, and after H said 'I think you should take your pill for tonight.' I said okay. Obviously he is hesitant about it, but I am happy that he is starting to be open to the idea of us starting a family again.
2. H told me that he wanted me to know something. H said that even though he is talking about stuff that bothered him about us, it doesn't change the way he feels about me. That I don't need to get defensive, he is just trying to communicate with me, not find reasons to keep us apart. I told him I understand.
Then he said "Things may not work out between me and OW, I know that you don't seem to think they will." If that happens I want you to know that you are the only other person I would ever want to be with. I feel this way now, and I felt it 3 months ago too. Even if my baby moves on in her life, I will not go looking for anyone else, I would rather be alone, if I couldn't be with you again."
This is huge! For months he has been telling me that even if him and OW don't last, our R won't work etc... That he just doesn't have those feelings for me anymore etc...
I think he is falling for me again (and who could resist really ) Moving in the right direction......
(although I am a bit scared as to what will happen once OW is gone, guess I should start reading about that instead of focusing on the infidelity sections...)
