I know you feel like you need to "do something" but you don't. DB'ing is more about pulling back and giving her time and space while you work on you. We all come here thinking that we need to do SOMETHING so we want to know what the "right" thing to say or do is. We need control back! But right now her mindset is that you are the reason for every bad thing in her life and removing you is her path to newfound peace, love and prosperity. The only thing you can do to combat that view of hers is to remove yourself from the equation. Don't fight. Don't argue. Don't beg, plead, negotiate. Don't beg her to stay, don't beg her to leave. Don't ask her out. Be scarce when you're both home. When she talks, you listen. You validate no matter how crazy the stuff is coming out of her mouth. Let go of your need to "control" the relationship.
Be careful about passive/aggressive responses to situations. You are correct, the time to address it is while it is happening. And you do that by politely and firmly saying that you will not be disrespected or you will hang up. If she continues then you hang up. Letting her tear you a new one and then going dark on her just looks like a passive/aggressive response. You need to start responding from a position of strength, and establishing boundaries is how you do that.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
