OK, MC dump here...I left the session with all sorts of emotions...anger, hope, impatience, and anxiety. We didn't say anything on the 15 minute car ride home. Given all of my emotions, I didn't want to come off as pouty, cold, resentful, or anxious. I certainly didn't want to have any more R talk...lit was heavy again today in MC. So, I interacted with the boys for a bit, and said, I think I'm going to head to the coffee shop and get some work done, and then run a couple of errands (I'm going to look a couple of Jui-Jitsu gyms in the area). She looked at me with a little bit of a confused or upset look, then said Ok, and then smiled. She then said she was going to go to yoga today.
Should I have handled that differently? I couldn't be around her with the swirling emotions I had and I didn't want any R talk. I think space after a heavy session like that is good for both of us. Would greatly appreciate any feedback on the session or my pulling away a bit after.
Originally Posted by Steve85
You handled it PERFECTLY!! Remember, one of the big rules of DBing is to do NOTHING rather than the wrong thing. And GAL is PERFECT for this. When you are spinning. When your emotions are out of control. "I am going out." is a perfect redirect. I know for me it was "I am going to make holes with bullets in paper targets." That did two things. It got me away from her with my emotions spinning. And it allowed me to blow off some steam that in and of itself helped me to stop spinning.
Miler you got this! Just be patient. Another big rule in DBing is to be patient. Let the process work.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
She said our proposal was to come to the house when she wasn’t there and take everything I wanted. I calmly explained that the way the orders were written that I would come to the house, take stock of everything, propose a list for agreement and come back a different day to get those items. It seemed as if she had no idea what was in the orders.
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You two are a team. Perhaps a broken team right now, ....but instead of hearing her ....I did not hold up my end of the partnership by giving her wishes the serious consideration it deserved. I should have put myself into a "well, what IF" mentality.
I am taking this completely out of context, but I believe these are wise words for the LBS to hear in regards to the other spouse wanting out of the marriage. It is their wishes. Why stand in the way?
This is the counter intuitive stuff. dropping the rope. agreeing with them. take the pressure off.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
That's just it though, I'm not trying to block her and I already told her I won't. But the way she is trying to file requires that both of us file together, fill the papers out together and be in complete agreement on everything. Including that the marriage can't be saved. I've already told her I will not participate in the filing so I don't even know why she would try to come to me this way.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Because it probably makes the most sense financially. Look, I know this is tough but you can't bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away, it won't. So face it head on. You've made it clear that you don't want D, she knows it and understands it. But she's proceeding anyway. Please understand the following- YOU CANNOT STOP THE D THROUGH INACTION. Your inaction will only make things more difficult on YOU. You have got to protect yourself, and that means sitting down with her and working out the details of D no matter how painful it is. So do it.
She has to fill out the paperwork and have you served. Then you have a certain amount of time (depending on the state) to review the paperwork and file a response, or to agree to it. You need to read up on this ASAP. You should really talk to a L but it sounds like you can't afford one. D is coming your way and you need to be prepared and understand your rights.
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I know you feel like you need to "do something" but you don't. DB'ing is more about pulling back and giving her time and space while you work on you. We all come here thinking that we need to do SOMETHING so we want to know what the "right" thing to say or do is. We need control back! But right now her mindset is that you are the reason for every bad thing in her life and removing you is her path to newfound peace, love and prosperity. The only thing you can do to combat that view of hers is to remove yourself from the equation. Don't fight. Don't argue. Don't beg, plead, negotiate. Don't beg her to stay, don't beg her to leave. Don't ask her out. Be scarce when you're both home. When she talks, you listen. You validate no matter how crazy the stuff is coming out of her mouth. Let go of your need to "control" the relationship.
Be careful about passive/aggressive responses to situations. You are correct, the time to address it is while it is happening. And you do that by politely and firmly saying that you will not be disrespected or you will hang up. If she continues then you hang up. Letting her tear you a new one and then going dark on her just looks like a passive/aggressive response. You need to start responding from a position of strength, and establishing boundaries is how you do that.
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Please share if you find it. I have already done so many "full" apologies..
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Gain Forgiveness Pattern-Minimize damage (“Make peace with anyone” by Lieberman p82)
Apologize (I am sorry...) depersonalize (place action in larger context) shift intentions (I was trying...) solidify commitment to change (take concrete steps to assure no repeats) restore balance (put energy into relationship)
Example” I am very sorry I put a dent in your car. Nothing was going right that day. I didn’t want to give it to the valet because I know how much you love your car. So when I parked it myself on the street, that’s when it got hit. I’ve already called several places and got quotes. I’ll take care of it anyway you want. You can either give me the insurance information or I can give you the quotes. I am also going to have them detail the entire car so it will look like new. That’s on me. I feel so badly about this happening.”
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W said that S(7) was peppering her with questions about who decided they wanted the D, and W eventually told him that we both decided on D. I was boiling on the inside when W told me this. I told her that is a lie and that it was the one thing I said not to say to the kids. W got angry and said "what was I supposed to say!". I told her months ago that this was going to be a question she had to answer and she should have one ready that did not name me as part of the decision. That she should have kept deflecting or figured something out and not to mislead .S(7).
I said I was going to have to think about what to do about this betrayal of what we discussed, implying I might talk to S about it. W then became livid, finger in my face, saying not to put the kids in the middle and not to try an pit them against her because she would "win", they would take her side because she is their mother. I was stone faced as she went on her tirade. When she stopped to take a breath I asked "are you done?". She finished up by "warning" me not to say anything.
Honestly this particular issue is one of the most perplexing as far as how to handle and what to say/not say to the kids. I want no ownership of the D decision but I recognize the need to do what's best for the kids. Anyone with thoughts on this, I would love some input, THANK YOU!
Originally Posted by Hurt213
I am going to give you some input, that is based on my own experience and growth from my journey. I can not nor will I tell you, what I believe is right for you, but I can tell you, what ended up being right for me - hopefully that will be of use to you - I will try to make my self as clear as possible, however english is not my maternal language, and sometimes, I do mess up what I am intending to portray, hopefully you get what I am trying to say.
So basically, I was through a horrible end my relationship - my ex had just returned to her job from maternal leave, and not 3 months later, she is having a PA with her co-worker, whom she then left her, at the time, S1 and D4 for.
I was filled with resentment (I still have a lot of anger boiled up with the fact that 1: my kids will be broken of sorts from this experience, that is devastating to me, and I hold her accountable, and always will. 2. I am missing out on half of my children childhoods, and that is also devastating).
I came from a place of frustration, resentment, anger and simply being completely unable to see, that my life continues, with or without my ex, and because of that, I told her, and held her to the following for a long time: When we were to tell the kids, then they should know, that this was not a mutual decision. That daddy did not want the family to split up.
As time went by, day by day I just let go of a bit of my old self, and I have surrounded myself with people who love me, activities that make me happy, and I appreciate every minute that I get to spend with my kids, on a level that I haven't really thought about earlier, and I most likely do spend more time with them with 100% focus on them, than I did when I had them 100% of the time.
I am at a place in my life today, where we are telling our kids that mommy and daddy are friends, but we are not going to live together anymore, and that they are going to have not one, but two cool bedrooms now. <-- what changed? I grew, I detached, and I realized, that my kids has absolutely no need to know, that mommy wanted out at the age of 2 and 5. There will come a time, when they are grown up individuals with an evolved kognitive understanding of how relations work here in life. When that time comes, they will be able to grasp the truth, and then, only then will they get to know, what happened when they were little. My ex knows, that this day is coming, and she knows that she will have to own up to it, but not now - for now, my 2 and 5 year old angels just need to focus on what interior they want in their fancy new rooms, what dress D5 wants to wear tomorrow, and S2 just need to drive around on his pushbike - basically, they just need to have the best, stressfree childhood, that I and my ex can provide them with - they didn't ask for this (neither did you - but we are the grown ups, we are the ones who take the beatings, so our kids can live in unknowing bliss and in return, we get to see the stars in their eyes whenever they experience something for the first time, because they are innocent, and for as long as humanly possible, that is my quest to keep them innocent, happy and safe).
I hope that makes sense to you. (hugs)
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All I needed was a hug she told me once. So the next time I went in for a hug I got slapped.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
What you need to understand about WAS's is when they say stuff like that, it's not because they want you to start doing it (they don't). It's because they want to blame you for everything that's ever gone wrong, is going wrong and ever will go wrong. You don't fix that by running up to her for a hug every time you see her. You fix it by leaving her the H alone. Detach. Get out. GAL. Give her time and space. Period! The only exception might be something really unusual, like one of her parents die or she's diagnosed with a terminal illness. At times like that you just do what is right.
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