That sounds so incredibly difficult. And I know from experience how incredibly hard it is to trust someone who isn't open and honest with you and doesn't make the effort to communicate fully.
I know you don't want to push things right now. And I know you notice small changes. And I know that this could just as easily be said about my situation as it could be about yours.
But I do think that your H has really no incentive to consider what he wants and what he is willing to give and what he's willing to change. He wants to put himself first, have the kids and plenty of his admin taking care of by a wife who is too afraid to demand anything from him, and he wants to keep his options open.
He may not be able to decide. He may be really uncertain and troubled and exhausted. But he's also got a lot of the benefits of wife-work without really having to expend much energy in your direction. He may be being totally honest in that he doesn't know what he wants - but you know what you want and you know that it isn't on offer from him and hasn't been for a long time.
Perhaps it is time for you to think about going dark and dropping the rope. If he runs to you in fear - which I know you think might happen and I know you dread - you can review how you feel about that much later on.
