The main point being that I listen and not tell her anything/give input. I also recall that I need to put aside my feelings (at least that is what I recall. Correct me if I'm wrong please) and try to see things from her point of view.
Yes that is correct. I just posted this in another thread, but a lot of LBS's think that since they didn't share feelings before BD that they should start doing it after BD, that it's a worthy 180. But a two way sharing of feelings is what should happen in a healthy relationship, and you're not in one right now. So your job is to listen and validate. You don't reciprocate by sharing your feelings with her, because when you do that she thinks "oh he's just trying to make this all about himself as usual."
As far as trying to see things from her point of view, that's not necessarily what validating means. In Retrouvaille we learned you shouldn't say things like "I know exactly how you feel." Because you really don't and she actually might resent you for saying that. All you're doing is acknowledging that her feelings are hers and they are legitimate whether you understand them or not. This is why so many LBS's struggle with validating, because they don't AGREE with what their WAS is feeling. But validation isn't putting a stamp of approval on what she's feeling, it's merely accepting that her feelings are real to her.
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I mean, should I work on letting some of the bad stuff caused by her from the last year and a half go? Or should I work on letting ALL of it go?
Forgiveness is for you, you can forgive someone without ever telling them. It's basically letting go of your need for retribution or revenge or "making things right" and just accepting that it happened, it may not be fair but you're moving past it. Now forgetting is another matter completely. You can forgive someone for their behavior while also being mindful that you will not let it happen again. I forgave my XW for all she put me through, but would I remarry her? No because I haven't forgotten the kind of person that she is now.
