I’ve been spending a lot of time contemplating what action I should take next.
I know you feel like you need to "do something" but you don't. DB'ing is more about pulling back and giving her time and space while you work on you. We all come here thinking that we need to do SOMETHING so we want to know what the "right" thing to say or do is. We need control back! But right now her mindset is that you are the reason for every bad thing in her life and removing you is her path to newfound peace, love and prosperity. The only thing you can do to combat that view of hers is to remove yourself from the equation. Don't fight. Don't argue. Don't beg, plead, negotiate. Don't beg her to stay, don't beg her to leave. Don't ask her out. Be scarce when you're both home. When she talks, you listen. You validate no matter how crazy the stuff is coming out of her mouth. Let go of your need to "control" the relationship.
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I’ve gone dark towards her with virtually no contact (kids only) since her verbal attack on me over the phone on the way to her PA two days ago. She hasn’t attempted contacting me either. I doubt she’s picked up on how disrespected I felt that was, probably too late to tell her, I should have taken a stand as it was occurring.
Be careful about passive/aggressive responses to situations. You are correct, the time to address it is while it is happening. And you do that by politely and firmly saying that you will not be disrespected or you will hang up. If she continues then you hang up. Letting her tear you a new one and then going dark on her just looks like a passive/aggressive response. You need to start responding from a position of strength, and establishing boundaries is how you do that.
Originally Posted by curtis7
Out enjoying myself with GAL tonight, W sends texts. W: “I need to ask a question and I hope you will respond truthfully and quickly. ” W: “Are you on a date? ” W: “Totally okay if you are. Just curious. “ H: “No. I haven't given up on us” Right or wrong response?
OK well as LH said you established you are still firmly in place as Plan B. But also that response is pursuit behavior. It's you telling her "I won't let you go, I don't care that it's what you want, it's not what I want and what I want is all that matters." She doesn't care one bit about what you want. So don't tell her what you want. A lot of LBS's think that since they were poor at sharing feelings before BD that they should start now, that it's a good 180. NO. That is one area that you do not want to do a 180 because after BD, she ceases to care about your feelings. She may care later, and if recon happens THEN it will be time to 180 that. But not right now.
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So, I was going to bring her water pillow to the guest bedroom, but as I approached the door I overheard her talking on the phone with divorced BFF. Something about how 25 year old OM made her feel like he gave her a dismissal and she is really confused by it. She went on to talk about 3 other guys from the dating app, I guess she is serial dating now.
How's all that snooping making you feel?
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She said she was hoping that I would say yes to being on a date, so she could just be open about what she is doing with other men and stop having to hide it.
Right, it gets hard to keep track of all those lies. It's easier to be a truthful cheater than a lying cheater. I swear the crap that comes out of their mouths sometimes.
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She is so deep into waywardness...no water pillow tonight.
Next time leave it outside her door. Then she'll see it and wonder how long you were out there and what you heard. She might even ask if you heard anything. Say "yes" and walk away.
