Last day in San Diego. Went to the Midway Museum and then to Mission Beach and Old Town. Back at the hotel for a bit of a rest as the kids are a tad grumpy and grandma needs a breather. Looking forward to having a few more days off when I get home. I’m hoping Facebook guy will suggest we meet face-to-face again but also hoping not...lol. I know for sure 6’5” Tinder guy wants to get together. I am on the fence. Even though I’m not looking for anything too serious, I am hardwired to be monogamous so dating two guys or even thinking about dating two guys at the same time makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Honestly...not sure I am cut out for OLD as I really don’t know how to play the game, so to speak. I really hate hurting anyone’s feelings. I’d rather get my own feelings hurt.
Do any OLD veterans out there have any tips for me?? I am so out of practice.
I really hate hurting anyone’s feelings. I’d rather get my own feelings hurt.
DV...did you realize you wrote this? Put it in black and white?
I know you're a mom so if you're anything like my mom you would do ANYTHING to take the pain from the world, absorb it, and leave only good behind in the wake.
But this is DATING. Not anything more serious than that. Please strike that sentence quoted above from your vocabulary and live for yourself. Chances are no one will get hurt as long as you treat everyone with respect, honesty, and dignity. If you don't want to date two guys at once that's cool. But don't do it for THEM do it because it makes sense for YOU.
I don’t think it’s that serious. If you were a teenager at school and saw several boys in class would you only ever talk to one or two or would you eventually get to meet them all, in every class? Have fun and let go. Consider some of these meet ups as if you were in the school cafeteria sitting next to the new kid or someone you worked up nerve to go sit by.
San Diego sounds like a blast. I know the kids had fun.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Thanks you guys... you always have such good advice. Thanks for putting things into perspective. Sometimes I am really just too serious about things that don’t need to be that way. I am just going to stop worrying about what may or may not happen and just enjoy meeting people. Back home tomorrow. Looking forward to it.
DV6...As long as you are respectful, open and honest, enjoy yourself dating as many guy as you can find time for. Now if you get into any kind of R talk, sex, exclusivity with one guy in particular, but still also want to keep dating others that's when it gets more difficult.
bottom line if you stay non-committal, respectful, upfront and have fun, you should have no need to worry about hurt feelings.
Thanks B. I have been relationship girl all my life so very little experience with casual dating. So far I’ve met three guys. One was a hard “no”, one was a maybe and the other is the guy who I am still talking to. He lives an hour away and both of us work full time so that slows the pace regardless. He definitely intrigues me though and he says things that make me think he sees us being long term friends at the very least. Sometimes I feel like he is interviewing me for a job...lol. Lots of “what do you think about this” kinds of questions and throws out lots of opinions for me to agree or disagree with. We haven’t run out of things to talk about, that’s for sure. Tinder guy has texted me a couple things lately that make me think he has already turned me into his girlfriend in his mind so I’m going to have to be really clear with him where I am at. Will probably have coffee with him sometime this weekend. Facebook guy is playing in a hockey tournament all weekend so likely won’t see him unless I decide to go and watch. Haven’t been back to his town since my mom passed away. I should really go there to check in with her besties as both of them are like second mothers to me. Plenty of Fish has been sending me copious numbers of notifications about guys who want to meet me. I haven’t checked on there is awhile. Don’t want to have too many people on the go...lol. It’s hard enough with two. I would make a horrible contestant on the Bachelorette...lol. Anyway...will keep everyone posted. Lots of love to you all!! (((HUGS)))
Got a copy of the signed separation agreement emailed to me by my lawyer today. She also let me know that his lawyer told her she would be starting divorce proceedings on or about May 1st... our fake separation date. Probably for the benefit of the girlfriend but honestly, I am happy about it. I just want it to be over and done with so I can put all of this in the rear view mirror. Funny...when I got the email, I thought back to how I would have felt three or four months ago and it is nothing like what I felt today which was, oddly enough, almost nothing. He is in Hawaii with his affair and you would think that it would really, really bother me but no... I don’t feel much about it at all... good or bad. I think this is what it means to be detached. I’m not angry, I’m not sad, I’m not anything. I am just me living my life.
So...back home from our vacation and it feels really, really good to be back in MY house. Like how I capitalized “my”...lol. It really is my house... no longer ours. I do so love this house.
The end of our journey home involved a two-hour ferry ride. Ran into an old high school friend I haven’t seen in years and we spent the whole trip chatting and catching up. I told her about my dating adventures and my crazy marriage. She remembers Facebook guy and thinks he might have played hockey with her younger brother. Didn’t hear from him a whole lot today as I was in transit for most of the day and honestly, we were bound to have at least one day when we weren’t in as much contact. He had a hockey game tonight and did message me at the end of the night that he got a goal and for me to have a great sleep. I also heard from Tinder guy. He wants to have coffee this weekend. I told him I would get back to him tomorrow to let him know which day works best for me. I am still really on the fence with him as he is way too familiar in what he texts considering we have never met before. I am kinda hoping he doesn’t really like me too much when he meets me.
Getting tired so will write more at a later date. (((HUGS))) to all...
DV6...yep, we are at the same point in our respective sitches AND I completely get how you are feeling. I felt exactly nothing doing the paperwork. Just living my life as you say. I'll always continue to tell new folks here that once you are able to stabilize yourself from the BD and see the person who left for what they are AND in many cases their crazy actions, you will realize you don't need/want that crazy in your life and you will move forward to detachment and healing. It is a HUGE help when you can finally get past the initial hurt and gain perspective on your wayward.
Funny to me also how I'm now focused on finding MY place. So new and weird to go checking places out and reminding myself that I do not need to concern myself about any other person's opinion on selecting a new spot. Definitely enjoying the process.
Sounds like you are well and truly on your way to your new future as I am. Happy for you!
DV and Ballast, yes that is exactly what dropping the rope is! No reaction of love, anger, hatred, vengeance, sadness, fear. Just.... ambivalence. It's hard to get there but once you do it's a great feeling of peace. That feeling of "I am detached and their actions can no longer affect me emotionally." People are always talking about how they are detached, but when someone is REALLY detached they don't say "I am detached", they instead make comments like the two of you just did that SHOW they are detached. It warms my heart to see you both there now.
I have really enjoyed reading your updates! your energy is so positive and balanced. ... While I imagine it was hurtful to learn of the A, I am also glad that he cannot disillusion you any longer. He has strung you up in his web of lies for too many years. No more! I love that you are seeing him for what he is and taking your power back.
I think it's great that you are talking to other men and possibly open to dating. You seem to have a healthy reasonable attitude about it and that is what matters most.
Someone started a thread recently about dating before D and I had to really hold myself back from responding. There were several different arguments -- not directly related to one another in context -- and someone even quoted the bible. All hyperbole. Each one of us here has to decide what is best for ourselves, and for our kids, and no one should preach any moral high grounds! I think it's needless to say that if we have a new BD happen and then we run to another person as escape, or if we introduce our kids to another partner soon, that neither situation is ideal.
You seem very mindful about your choices. I look forward to reading more! ... If I could go back and do things differently, I think I would have dated even tho I did want to R. It would have allowed me more fun and easier detachment. I just wasn't in that mind set back then. Come to think of it, one of the reasons that H did his fast turnaround, was that he was afraid I was dating and that he would lose me permanently (or as plan B). Sigh.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
