still in limbo.........

[DnJ]

Hello skm

I am not exactly sure why, but after the last interaction with H (and breaking down at work) I feel this sense of calm.

In your last interaction you expressed some of your anger, at one point you even asked him to leave you alone for a bit. The breaking down at work was a further release of pent-up emotions. Getting those out, is healthy, and brings the calm.

I don't feel like I am doing fine

I understand you don’t “feel” like you are doing fine.

Now, you’ve read my situation so you probably have heard me speak about feelings, thoughts, and beliefs - I might have said something about that once or twice.

Feelings are fleeting. Let them flit away. Feelings will persist for as long as you reinforce or feed them. This is for all of them. Anger, love, sad, happy, etc...

So, you feel like your not doing fine. How do you think you are doing? How do you believe you are doing? Really consider those two responses. Ensure you are sitting in the corresponding “car” when finding your answers.

I don't know what it is, but when I am around H it is so easy for me to let my emotions go and then that spills over into everything.

Emotional hijacking is very common and takes a concerted effort to overcome.

From what I’ve read anger is the problem emotion for you. There is caring, kindnesss, compassion, sorrow, and such as well, and these can also hijack you. However anger does seem to be the most passionate for you.

This is not all that surprising. Love and anger are just a hair’s breadth apart from each other. Both are passionate feelings. It is pretty darn hard to be mad at something or someone if you don’t care about it or love them.

Feelings are born from within our subconscious. They are real, so acknowledge them. They are also irrational, meaning not based on logic and reason. Irrational is not wrong or crazy - it is just emotions. We strive to accept our feelings and let go of ones that don’t serve us.

Intellect is where logic and reason reside. Being completely rational, feelings do not exist within our intellectual thoughts. We strive to understand and reason, thereby letting go those ideas and thoughts that do not serve us.

So, how to let go of anger. Let’s use the dog example from you park conversation.

I don't have any plans to reach out to H. Initially I thought about texting him to see if he would watch the dog this weekend as I will be at work (Sat, Sun and Mon) but then I decided not to do that. H knows that he is home alone while I work, and has not reached out to see him in the past, so I am not going to ask him to help out. It does get me upset though when I think about it because he is currently dog sitting for two of his friends who are away on spring break, but he cant watch his own dog??? There is the anger!!!

There is a lot I wish like to say; I’ll try to be concise.

Something I found very helpful for getting my feelings under control is to be accurate. Be accurate in thought and heart. See things as they truly are.

It is obvious you got angry. We cannot reason or stop an emotion. All we can do is not feed it and let it run it’s course. Usually returning from being emotionaly hijacked takes about 30 minutes, if we stop feeding it.

Once you are calm, like now, get in your intellectual car and stay there for this part. Really! Do not succumb to your emotions, stay with reason and logic. Why are you angry about the dog situation? What is it about that event that brings those feelings out?

Find the answer. Think it, don’t feel it.

From here you can accurately and clearly see the event that triggers your emotional, irrational, and completely beyond your control, response. This is what you are trying to achieve, to see what was going on that brought about your feelings.

Now, look at the event, the trigger. Remember while staying in the intellectual car you will not feel anything regarding this event. You can logically see it and rationalize it. This will uncouple the event from your emotional response. The more rational you see what is going on, the less irrational (emotional) response you will have.

This does take effort, a mental assertiveness, and more than a few times to get it figured out - so some time is required, by patient and keep at it.

This idea, or method, is the basis of detachment, indifference, and letting go - especially fear.

I would also point out you have some expectations in regard to H’s probable responses. This also leads you down an emotional road you need not go.

I could ramble on about beliefs and so on, however I’ll stop here.

I would like to ask what your headings are, what destination are you working towards? Knowing you’ve followed me, you can guess my suggestions. Kindness, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

I am interested in what you think regarding your triggers and this method. I would be happy and willing to discuss further if you wish.

DnJ