Hi, Sorry I haven't posted yet this week, I am off work this week and I usually don't like to post from home in case H sees me.
Kitkat - I have already done a budget for us if we split - financially, H will be the one who is screwed, not me, I make more cash, I can always move back in with my parents. H will have to be responsible for our son and his mom - that means a 3 bedroom apartment, he will also have to pay a lot more - car, gas, internet, food, cable etc.. All things that we now share, that I will get for free at my parents, while he will have to scrape together money to keep... So it will be in my best interest to have this conversation when the time is right
A lot of stuff happened, some the same as usual but also a few more positives. This will be a long post since it will cover several days....
Friday night, H went out with OW. At around 2 am he sent me a text message, it said:
"hope you are okay, see you in the morning, love H" (he used his pet name)
I couldn't believe he said 'love H'. I sent him a reply and told him that I missed him and would see him in the morning. Well Saturday morning he still didn't show up, so around 12 I went shopping. He called me on my cell but I missed it. I thought about calling him back, but decided to wait awhile. 10 mins later he called again, so I answered. He asked me why I hadn't phoned him. I said I was busy. He asked me if I would be home soon, I said yes and he said he would meet me there.
We were sitting on the couch watching tv, and he said that he missed me last night. Then he said "what am I doing, I don't know what I am doing anymore, I am so confused." I hugged him and replied that I think he can find everything he is looking for right here. He said that if all of this stuff hadn't happened, he would be so in love with me now. (wow). We continued to watch tv for a bit, then we went downstairs to use the computer.
While we were there he pulled me close and told me that since my brother's wedding, instead of us separating more, we are so much closer. He said things are better than ever between us. I agreed. Then he told me that he has been feeling this way for a while but he didn't want to tell me cause he didn't want to get my hopes up.
Then we had the following conversation:
H: Can I tell you something?
Me: Yes
H: When I am with her, I really feel like I am in love with her. But at the same time I miss you so much. I told OW.
Me: Did she get mad at you?
H: Yes
Me: I guess she doesn't want you to be honest about your feelings.
Did you tell her that we still ML?
H: NO!
Me: Then she would get really mad huh?
H: If she knew the truth, then this whole thing would be over cause she would end it.
Me: Well you need to tell her or else...(H interupts me here)
H: Or else you will tell her?
Me: NO, I was going to say or else you could have a breakdown again from the guilt.
H: I know.
Me: Are you going out with OW again tonight.
H: I have to.
Me: You have to? Isn't this about you doing what you WANT to do, not what you HAVE to do?
H just gave me an exasperated look and shrugged his shoulders.
Then he asked me if I would like to have dinner at a really nice restaurant with him tommorow (Sunday). I said sure. He told me he would try to send me a message at night. I said I would like that.
I was really happy after this conversation. I came out sounding like the understanding one. I showed him that he doesn't need to be afraid to be honest about his feelings with me. Also, he admitted that he was getting closer to me.
That night he sent me the following message:
Have a good night, Luv u.
I sent him a reply and told him I loved him too.
Sunday
I got ready and wore a really sexy outfit, one that I never wore before. When H got home, he looked at me and was speechless, he grabbed me and told me he was thinking about me all day, and that he knew I would look hot. We ML and H asked me if I wanted to go to a motel with him after dinner. I said sure. I felt like I had taken over the role of the OW. I am the one he is sneaking around with...H told me he had to make a phone call so we wouldn't be disturbed later...But OW still called during dinner, H ignored the phone...
Dinner was great, I asked H if he got my reply last night, he said no? (I wonder if OW saw it and deleted it?- I hope so....) H admitted that he has to send the messages quickly - while OW is in the bathroom etc... I just gave him a look like he was pathetic and shook my head...
After dinner we went for a few drinks and things turned a bit. H brought up some stuff and tried to explain WHY he had fallen out of love with me in the first place etc... I tried to validate, but I had to get some points in. We didn't end up going to the motel, but we cuddled at home in our bed.
Monday
I have taken the whole week off to spend some time with our son. H took mon, tues, wed off. (I am sure OW hates that...too bad). On monday we went exploring. H was kind of distant, then in the car on the way home, he kept making smart remarks. I tried to ignore them, but he didn't stop. At home the attitude continued. I was prepared for it cause whenever H admits his true feelings about us, he backs off like he is scared and wants me to know that things are not yet okay. I find this to be very immature, and I called him on it. I told him that he seems to be angry at me again even though I haven't done anything. I told him I was sorry that he was in a bad mood and I left to go to sleep instead of waiting for him.
Of course he eventually came to the room.
Tuesday
We took our son and other nephews to a fair. It was fun and tiring. We were there the whole day and didn't really interact too much. When we got home, I saw that his laptop was logged on and I did some snooping. I read some emails between him and OW. It was painful, but also enlightening:
They refer to each other as 'my wife' and 'my husband'. That one PISSES me off!! They are both F&(&*(&ed in the head. She also calls him 'honeybunny' - how original.
He sent her an email about 3 weeks ago and told her that things are not going to work out between them, and she knew that anyways. He said that although they are similar in many ways, they are also different. He said that he hopes she will one day look back at their relationship fondly. She replied with a sarcastic remark (Oh oh trouble in lala land?)
Another email said that she was going out with the girls on friday instead of him. He wrote back angrily saying that she takes him for granted.
Another email said that he heard her talking about some other guy. She denied it. Then he told he that he lied about getting back together with me, that he almost slept in the room with me cause he was so mad at her, but then he didn't cause he loves her so much.
-This email had me almost laughing out of my chair. What bullshit - he ALWAYS sleeps in the room with me. Looks like H is using our relationship as leverage with OW - if she pisses him off he threatens to get back together with me.
These emails kinda made me sick - there relationship is sooo immature. It makes me feel confident that they will NOT work out. She is a little skank who I know will cheat on him, especially when she finds out that he has been lying and cheating with me the whole time, they are already having trust issues, and it seems that H is not as important to her as he thinks he is...
As I write this, it is Wednesday and H is out with OW....The weekend has renewed my determination to ride this out a little longer. Hopefully I can keep up the role of the "OW". I just have to remember not to get too get involved with H and OW, to be more detached. I was very tempted these past 2 days to tell H what I read on his laptop, especially the 'husband, wife' bit, but I haven't, I will store it in my mind for future reference.
I will just wait and let OW get fed up with H, and maybe make a few more hints of my own - to leave or plan for the D etc....I see H as being on his way back to me - but he is fighting it every step of the way...
thanks for reading.... Tune in next time for more updates (hahaha)...
