I have been thinking of the words AS and R2C told me regarding proper validation. The main point being that I listen and not tell her anything/give input. I also recall that I need to put aside my feelings (at least that is what I recall. Correct me if I'm wrong please) and try to see things from her point of view.
It's hard. It's harder than not telling her like it is and how her actions contributed to this. It's hard not calling her a hypocrite and throw it in her face about what she lied about leading up to BD. It's hard to not tell her that if the roles were reversed, I would be out on the street living in a cardboard box. But I also know that telling her those things has not done any good before and it will not do any good in the future. It's vindictive, it serves no purpose, and has made our sitch worse. So my only other choice is to put aside my feelings and work on empathizing with her. I am trying to do so. I am trying to convince myself that she is not lying about working on finding a new place and job and so on even though I have a suspicion that she is going to move in with OM2 as soon as she leaves. I am trying to convince myself that if what she has been saying turns out to be a lie, that I do not go after her and berate and put her down. I am trying to convince myself to be a better man.
I need to start believing and putting those things into action. I need to let go some of my reservations and let time and trust sort all of this out. I need to let go of some of these negative feelings. All it has done was cause more damage between us. She does not deserve that. She does not deserve to have her day ruined because I had an outburst/tantrum. If I truly loved her, I would show her as much love as detached person should. I say that I still truly, deeply love her. Not because she is the mother of my child, but because she has done so much for me. I mean, should I work on letting some of the bad stuff caused by her from the last year and a half go? Or should I work on letting ALL of it go?
I don't think I used this term to describe my feelings, but I feel like I am still holding a grudge. I know I shouldn't. I know I need to stop. I need to accept that some things in life are not fair and that I have to make peace with that.
I need to stop because it has caused so much pain and damage to her and my daughter. I really don't want to cause anymore hurt. They both deserve better. They need better. It's the only way things will get better for all of us.
Has anyone here been a jerk/a-hole to their WS leading up to BD? How long until the guilt of your actions no longer weighed you down? When did you forgive yourself?
