Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[sandi2]

Does her last PA that I know about come into play at all during ANY of this? Or do you suggest this is all withheld until the future when I'm more centered? I know I need to take the focus off her but there is still the necessary goal explained by Sandy2 about needing to create 'losses' to the WW. <-- this is what I want to maximize as much as possible before she is out of the house. But obviously not to the detriment of my overall situation.

I want to address the H needing to "create" losses for his WW, b/c I am beginning to see a few H's who become distracted by it. First of all, nobody knows what that loss might be that shakes her out of the fantasy and makes her see reality. Waywardness comes when the W no longer respects her H as a man. The actions the H takes should be indicative of his self respect as a man. For instance, if he knows his W is cheating, he requires her to leave the marital bedroom, b/c she has disrespected their M.....and him. Understand, the purpose is not to punish her, but rather to stand up for himself and protect his dignity. He can cut off or withdraw some the benefits she gets by being legally M to him......and/or living under the same roof with him....... as long as the overall message is "I won't enable you to disrespect me". In other words, the only losses he can oversee are those connected to him. Outside of that arena, it's not his job to try and create losses for her. Sometimes, life has a way of opening our eyes when nothing else could.

I can see how you become inspired by reading new information, and you are eager to apply what you've read. I want to encourage you to wait on acting on something, until you run it past the board. A lot of LBH'S have trouble staying balanced in their thinking and their actions.

Question: based on the current sitch.. how should my communication/relationship be with her?

She plans to move out in three weeks, correct? I suggest you interact with her along the same behavior as if she were a checkout clerk in the store where you shop. When you go through the checkout lane, you may exchange some pleasant small talk during the transaction, but you don't flirt or discuss private issues with her. You don't try to sneak in a little touchy stuff, show affection, hang around her while she works, etc. You complete the transaction in a civilized, maybe even friendly manner, and you go on your way. Of course with your WW, you will need to talk about certain logistics, but you get the picture here, right? Why make the atmosphere unbearable? As long as the decision has already been made for her to move out.......I suggest you try to be as civil as possible. If there should be an incident where you feel the tears coming on for you, then go to the bathroom and bury your face in a stack of towels. Don't show emotion in front of her. If she's the one who gets teary eyed, don't be cruel but don't crumble at the sight of female tears, either. Remain calm, and don't try to fix or rescue her. You can something like, "This has been difficult for everyone".

but should I continue to be 'distant' but polite? Or do I soften as she softens.

By "distant" I assume you mean detached. You stay emotionally detached from her drama. WW's are manipulative. She'll check your emotional temperature to see how attached or detached you stand. Therefore, you cannot trust her softness. You can't trust her in any sense. Unless she tells you she's willing to cooperate and do whatever is necessary to save the MR.........you pay no attention to her softness. I'm telling you, she will use her feminine ways to manipulate, so always be on guard. As much as it hurts to think of you both being separate entities, that's pretty much the attitude you need to take right now. ((hugs))

Really weird trying to manage this - considering she does't know I know and/or doesn't really feel that much guilt for what is hurting me..

The best way to manage this......is to stop managing her.

IT would be easier if she was rude and distant to me like other sitches...

Just remember that what you see is not authentic.