My week has been going fairly well, I guess. I’ve been pretty grounded and my emotions not too out of control regarding my sitch for several days, until today, on my way home from work. It came out of nowhere. I just started obsessing about my sitch. H’s inability to make any decisions, his affair, and wanting to just tell him it’s clear he doesn’t want to be married to me, so let’s just start D proceedings. I felt such sudden anxiety about it all, wondering what the he** I’m doing! I started to pray, and I feel calmer, but it’s weighing on my mind.
I had dinner with a good friend last night. She is part of our best couple’s friends before H moved out. She guessed who his OW was, and I was so surprised! I wasn’t good enough at concealing my agreement. She met her once at a party we invited them to. She thought at the time that there was a lot of intimate selfies going on with the 2 of them, and didn’t think a whole lot of it, but she did wonder about it. Amazing. She agrees H is ridiculous, and agrees there is no way it will last. I still wonder about H’s comment about his OW when he was caught in 1/2018. He said if it got out in public, he’d be embarrassed and would have to move out of the area. Now? He claims he’s trying to keep himself at a bit of distance from her, and they are not openly a couple (lovey dovey, etc). Maybe he’s still embarrassed. Maybe they are an open couple and he sees her every day. Can't believe anything he says. He's proven to be a terrific liar in the past. How does one ever get past all those lies??? It seems impossible now.
But I realized last night I was a bit embarrassed having my friend figure out who it was. Why am I embarrassed? I know it’s not a reflection of me. I’m attractive, fit, and outgoing. I’m a woman of faith, and people seem to genuinely like me.
Maybe it’s because I’ve chosen to Stand, which leaves open the possibility of R, and I wonder if that happened, how many people would think I’m a fool for even considering R with this going on. Why should I care what others think? Those negative thoughts creep in. Believers would say it’s Satan driving that wedge into our M. I believe that to be true. I need to let God do his work, and trust Him.
I think I need to just stop discussing my situation. I’ve offered too much information to a few people, and I’m now regretting it – no matter how close these friends are and how supportive. I think when people ask for updates, I’ll just tell them things are the same and I’m doing well….even if I’m not really doing all that well that day. It makes me feel good to have the sympathetic ear, but it’s only making H look worse in their eyes, and the friendship will probably suffer if H and I ever R.
I have received the 2 biggest STD results back – Hepatitis B and C, Syphilis, and HIV negative. I wasn’t too anxious about it, but it’s a relief to see it in print. Just waiting for a few others.
So, I’ve got Boot Camp tonight, my walking group tomorrow night, and going to a music fest with a friend on Saturday. Plenty of GAL activities, but the evenings are quiet sometimes. I miss having someone to talk to when I get home from work. I think about the easy time H and I had on Saturday for that brief 45 minutes after our “discussion”. I miss that. I miss that with H specifically, not just in general. Even if we never R, maybe that will be a part of our future. Who knows. One day at a time.
That’s my stream of consciousness for now. Time for a little yard work before boot camp.
