At least now you can feel a bit better about things and find some peace and comfort in knowing that the great companionship is still there. Continue being a friend and a good listener. He needs to feel safe when he talks to you. No pressure or reminders of what he's done or hasn't done. Treat him as a friend for now.
Yes. In fact I think this is why I feel more at ease today. I can’t believe I was even able to stay calm asking about his GF. That kind of amazes me. Does it still sting? Of course, a bit. I cringe once in a while when I think of them together. But the bite seems to be gone. I feel sorry for H in a way, and feel God is calling me to continue to show compassion for his turmoil and not condemnation for his past and present actions. I’ve started up on my regular prayers and bible reading after being a little irregular on vacation. I have a few prayer partners too that know my sitch and are praying for me and H. This I believe has helped me regroup too.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
I always felt MY XH left totally left our lives- to protect us for the future man he had become and still is today
This is an interesting perspective. H often said he was too damaged to be good to anyone, and couldn’t imagine why I would want him. Is he protecting us from himself? Who knows. But I don’t think he believes he is worthy of any kindness or love…..from anyone. I pray he will someday. Whether it be from me and his kids remains to be seen. But I hope he can experience true contentment someday.
I'm curious Peace .....Your XH married the OW, then divorced her. How soon after the D did he marry her, and how long did it last?
He Married her 1 month after I met my still current BF they moved away immediately
He contacted me maybe 2 years ago, I don't remember exactly when He left a VM at my work phone saying he messed up, and was looking for help from some of his old friends He did speak with a few of them who told me he was drunk and not doing well said he wanted out of his M ect. I did not call him b/c he asked for them to call not me-
I think they got D, a few years ago- but also back together b/c OW face book me a message telling me he messed up her life and she was too young to know better at the time and she wanted to ship him back- I also did not respond-
So Im not sure if they are together or not --no longer care or need to know We have no contact nor has he contacted his sisters/or our /kids for many years He is probably one of the worst cases Ive seen here because he is an active alcoholic he was a recovering sober alcoholic for 20 years until Bomb
I let him and everything go
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Wow Peace! That's really something. He gave up his kids too! It blows my mind how someone - anyone - can abandon their kids.
Your XH loves his alcohol more than anything else, I guess. No room for anyone else. My H has admitted to drinking too much, and I gently asked him about it yesterday. He didn't go into it much, but he did say it's easier to escape (or something to that effect - can't remember exactly). He added that he was not drinking in the morning, he didn't need it to start the day. I just left it alone. That's his journey. He was not historically an alcoholic. But, as I found out many years into our marriage, he certainly has addictive tendencies - his drug of choice Porn and sex. Now he's adding alcohol to the mix. I almost feel sad for him.
Alanon is a great program for wives and family of alcoholics/addicts ( any kind of addiction basically)
they have local meetings everywhere where people gather and discuss many of the same issues as on this board and solutions to the issues There are also phone meetings everyday all day long-
Its a great way to get in person support and heal-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I've had a few people suggest Alanon to me. Even without an addiction, the principles can help deal with getting through the MLC process in general. I haven't looked into it in a serious way, and think I'm doing well now, but will keep it in mind if H and I ever decide to try to R. I know I would need lots of extra support.
My week has been going fairly well, I guess. I’ve been pretty grounded and my emotions not too out of control regarding my sitch for several days, until today, on my way home from work. It came out of nowhere. I just started obsessing about my sitch. H’s inability to make any decisions, his affair, and wanting to just tell him it’s clear he doesn’t want to be married to me, so let’s just start D proceedings. I felt such sudden anxiety about it all, wondering what the he** I’m doing! I started to pray, and I feel calmer, but it’s weighing on my mind.
I had dinner with a good friend last night. She is part of our best couple’s friends before H moved out. She guessed who his OW was, and I was so surprised! I wasn’t good enough at concealing my agreement. She met her once at a party we invited them to. She thought at the time that there was a lot of intimate selfies going on with the 2 of them, and didn’t think a whole lot of it, but she did wonder about it. Amazing. She agrees H is ridiculous, and agrees there is no way it will last. I still wonder about H’s comment about his OW when he was caught in 1/2018. He said if it got out in public, he’d be embarrassed and would have to move out of the area. Now? He claims he’s trying to keep himself at a bit of distance from her, and they are not openly a couple (lovey dovey, etc). Maybe he’s still embarrassed. Maybe they are an open couple and he sees her every day. Can't believe anything he says. He's proven to be a terrific liar in the past. How does one ever get past all those lies??? It seems impossible now.
But I realized last night I was a bit embarrassed having my friend figure out who it was. Why am I embarrassed? I know it’s not a reflection of me. I’m attractive, fit, and outgoing. I’m a woman of faith, and people seem to genuinely like me.
Maybe it’s because I’ve chosen to Stand, which leaves open the possibility of R, and I wonder if that happened, how many people would think I’m a fool for even considering R with this going on. Why should I care what others think? Those negative thoughts creep in. Believers would say it’s Satan driving that wedge into our M. I believe that to be true. I need to let God do his work, and trust Him.
I think I need to just stop discussing my situation. I’ve offered too much information to a few people, and I’m now regretting it – no matter how close these friends are and how supportive. I think when people ask for updates, I’ll just tell them things are the same and I’m doing well….even if I’m not really doing all that well that day. It makes me feel good to have the sympathetic ear, but it’s only making H look worse in their eyes, and the friendship will probably suffer if H and I ever R.
I have received the 2 biggest STD results back – Hepatitis B and C, Syphilis, and HIV negative. I wasn’t too anxious about it, but it’s a relief to see it in print. Just waiting for a few others.
So, I’ve got Boot Camp tonight, my walking group tomorrow night, and going to a music fest with a friend on Saturday. Plenty of GAL activities, but the evenings are quiet sometimes. I miss having someone to talk to when I get home from work. I think about the easy time H and I had on Saturday for that brief 45 minutes after our “discussion”. I miss that. I miss that with H specifically, not just in general. Even if we never R, maybe that will be a part of our future. Who knows. One day at a time.
That’s my stream of consciousness for now. Time for a little yard work before boot camp.
H is on my mind today. I don’t like it. Why are thoughts of him constantly simmering in the back of my brain seemingly all the time. Why can’t I just let go? I believe he may be away with OW right now. I haven’t seen or heard from him in a week. The longest stretch yet. Why should all this bother me? Why do I LET it bother me? It doesn’t change anything.
As I was sitting in church today, listening to the sermon (which is almost always wonderful and meaningful), a random thought popped into my mind, that I’m now contemplating:
Am I standing for myself, or to once again protect H? Am I just avoiding something difficult? That is historically how I handled things for so long in our M– smooth things over. Don’t make waves. Usually at a cost of my peace of mind.
I don’t want to Stand only because filing for D may break my already fragile H. I do worry about that. I know I will be o.k. I don’t think H would be. Bold assumptions about future events, I know. But, those vague references to having his gun handy do weigh on my mind.
I keep busy, but those thoughts are always there – ready to give me anxiety, and break my peace.
