Grey Havens

[Zues126]

Thanks for the reply J.

You're right. It would be nice if people did the right thing because they felt it was the right thing to do. Just like it would be nice to not have police or jails. But zooming out, people in our society likely are more likely to behave morally if there are consequences. More people are going to do what's right if we demand it of each other.

That's on the big level. Even on the individual level it holds true. I don't really believe there are 'good people' and 'bad people'. I do think some people can do horrible things, and some things are worse than others. But I don't think it's black and white. One things I've mentioned that is off-putting to me is the nearly unanimous narrative that we posters are all enlightened LBS good people and all of our WAS's are diagnosable narcissistic bad people with FOO issues. Oh, each of us individually can build that case. But when comparing the probability that all of the good people just happened to find this site after they were left by all of those bad people, well, Occam's razor just suggests it's more likely that ALL people feel like we're generally good and those who've wronged us are monsters.

I'm not denying the horrible things our XS's have done. I read your reply to Don about your husband's lateness for example and it was pretty bad. But I also know that if you highlighted my top 5 worst husband moments it would have been pretty bad. I know my XW judges me and labels me by my top 5 worst moments. That is why she is my ex. If she was the type to judge me by my top 5 it would've been a totally different story and we'd probably be happily married.

The reason I bring this up again is that I don't personally believe in unicorns, i.e. a 'good person' out there that will be a great partner that is uninfluenced by our society and who's morality transcends our humanity. I think that we are dealing with a population pool consisting entirely of flawed humans who are influenced to a larger degree than they believe by the culture and societal norms that surround them. For example, a few years ago ghosting someone would've been considered a bad thing, but now enough people do it that 'well, who hasn't ghosted someone?' You could even say your outlook on not distancing yourself from people based on their destructive choices is a fairly new societal norm as we try to evolve past a 'shame culture' and ensure we 'free people' from oppressive social stereotypes.

I don't really have a point. We don't dictate how the world works around us. But by trying to understand it maybe we can operate in it more effectively with less disappointment. It's possible I'm too cynical and could use a dose of hopium. But I've never been happier and am having a joyous time in life and with my family and passions, so I'm not letting it bog me down too much.