Well I did some snooping, not good I know but anyways....
I checked his cell phone. In my previous post I said that H came home early on Sunday morning from OW. Well she called him about 8 times in a row while he was on his way home and he didn't answer the calls. They must have had a fight. Then remember I said she called while we were at his friends house that afternoon? Well she left a text message, it said: "I am ready to have a serious talk now, call me." That is when H left for 20 minutes to call her.
When he came back he hugged me and was angry.
Then that night he asked me a couple of questions that I found strange - he asked me if I was okay with things now, or if I was still sad. I said of course I am still sad. Then later he asked me if I would be okay without him yet.(ie - moving out) I said I have no control over what you do, but I don't want you to move out. He said he doesn't want to move out either.
After my snooping it makes sense now. OW must be putting pressure on him about H living at home with me or their relationship. Maybe she is upset cause he spent most of the weekend with me instead of her. Or maybe she found the dinner receipts I left in the car (haha). Of course I am just ASSuming.
Yesterday H told me he wanted to sign up our son for a year long program by our house. I said okay, but then I asked him why he would do this? Are we still going to be living in the area in one year? H said he knew I would question it, he asked why wouldn't we be there in one year?
I said that if we divorce we won't be able to afford the house and will have to move. He asked me what was my rush -I then said that he has to crazy if he thinks that things are going to continue the way they are for another year!! I told him that wouldn't be fair to anyone.
H then commented that I want this situation to be over, one way or the other. I said no, but it can't continue forever... Then H said that nothing has changed between him and OW, that he isn't ready financially or emotionally to make a decision yet. H also said that things haven't changed between us - he said, bottom line is that he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore, and that he wouldn't be moving backwards. I told him that I am not telling him to 'move backwards', but to move forwards to something new. H said that right now he is in limbo.
Then he suggested we take our son to the movies that night and we ended the call.
I was very upset, I understand that he isn't ready yet...but I wanted him to also understand that he doesn't have forever to decide. I want him to understand what the consequences will be if we divorce - he doesn't get it...he says we are separated now, but in reality we still function like a married couple in EVERY way. He needs to realize that things will change drastically.
I debated on sending him an email, there were some things I wanted to clarify, also I wanted him to start thinking about the reality of us being divorced - ie how things would change. I sent him this email....
"You mentioned yesterday that us being so close is just prolonging the agony, and will make things harder for us. That is not true. The agony is yet to come. This situation is very difficult for both of us, but if you think that it will get easier if we divorce, you are very wrong. Divorce will be 10 times more painful than this, and the pain will last for years. We will not only be hurting ourselves, but our families will be hurting too. Most importantly our son will suffer because of this. He finally let himself trust us to be his parents and be a family together. He will lose that and I know he will be hurt and feel even more rejected than he already does cause of his biological parents. I am not telling you this stuff to make you feel guilty, I am telling you cause it is reality, and according to you, we will have to face it soon. I have educated myself quite a bit over the past few months, and I have read about the effects of divorce on children and families. It is not pretty.
Right now we are living in limbo like you said. I am trying to be patient and be your friend through all of this, but sometimes it just really hurts (like last night). I am sorry I got so upset.
I know you are not ready to make any decisions yet, but you need to start looking at the consequences, good and bad about either decision. You made me very angry today when you said you are not 'moving backwards'. A decision to rebuild our marriage is not 'moving backwards'. It is starting a new relationship. I am sorry you feel that way.
You have mentioned lately that we won't work out because I won't get over what you have done. That is absurd. Why? Because your friends tell you so? They don't even know me, and neither of them have been married with a home and a child. So don't assume things about me, that is partly what got us into this situation isn't it? I know I can forgive you because I Understand WHY it happened. I understand how you felt and your perspective. I have also learned alot about affairs and relationships. I know that I will forgive you and we could be happy again.
But I guess none of this matters if you really don't want to give us a new chance. That makes me very sad. We should talk about how we are going to handle things - the house, furniture, financials, etc... So at least then if it does happen we are prepared. What do you think?"
When I got home, he was VERY nice to me, I thought maybe he hadn't read the email - I figured he would be mad.. So I asked him if he read it. He said yes (quietly, he seemed sad). I dropped the subject and we went to the movies. Afterwards, he went downstairs to use the computer, instead of following him as usual, I stayed in our room. He finally came upstairs and we went to bed.
He asked me if I still love him? I said yes, very much so. He said but you didn't love me before (quietly). I said that is not true, I have always loved you, I am sorry it seemed like I didn't, to you. Then we went to sleep.
I noticed his cell was on the charger that night - that means no calls to or from OW. I know that she is pressuring him, which means I should back off. I have started to do this (last night I didn't stay in the room with him as usual). I won't initiate any more R talks for a while, I will let OW drive him away.... if she is already starting to pressure him I know I can outlast it...
I think by telling him that we need to start talking about separating our stuff etc... I am showing him that I will not be waiting around for him and that if he really wants to divorce I won't stop him. He is supposed to see her tonight, we will see if anything happens....
