DnJ, yes lots and lots of agitation. I get it. I get it now why this is so hard. You see patterns and behaviors and then you expect they will proceed in a linear fashion and they don't. You get unsettled, scared, and impatient and you think it is time to charge ahead, but really it is time to pull way, way back. I know the warnings about expectations. I thought I was on guard. But it doesn't hit you in the way you think it will. You think it means you will have expectations about wanting them to come back, but really you are all over the place. Wanting them to come back, terrified they will, seeing positive actions, and seeing negative ones (no contact with S for a week now). Peace summed it up perfectly: "It is not easy going through all this the ping pong, his sudden niceness then distance and crazy behaviors."
Job, I didn't consider that. I can see that he could use this chaos to keep me unsettled and to prevent me from moving forward with confidence. I can also see, as DnJ says that he is just trying to open a dialog and he doesn't know a less disordered way to do it. Either way, I need to move forward with confidence, on my agenda, focusing on the parts I control and letting the other parts go.
Peace, thank you, thank you, thank you! Yes I need to find my center and come back into myself. I think I will do some walking and listening to a new book. I will leave the house and go out and do some things with friends and have some people over. I will pull into my self, but also reach out.
On the credit card thing. My situation has been very different than most (recognizing that things could change). Mine has a high income and is cheap, cheap, cheap. All of the signs of his cheapness are still there. This card has a $30k credit limit. I have two other cards in my name only and some store cards. I don't have balances on any of these cards. With my bank, I can order how the accounts come up. I have the joint card set up so I see the balance every time I log on. Since the balance should be zero, I immediately check every time it isn't. I log on frequently because of OD (and my daughter who tends to burn through her monthly money-something I'm working on).
My lawyer drilled into my head that divorce destroys credit. She advised me to use the joint card if he ever messes with money again. It is, in essence, a line of credit for me. If I close it, then I don't have that. If I remove him, the limit drops. If I don't have this account, I have no recourse if he stops paying other than motions in court, which will take 60-90 days.
I'm certain that his use of this card was not about needing money, and was only about provoking some kind of communication (or like Happy Again, testing that I would not explode). Now that I think about it, had he wanted to make me mad, he would have used the card to buy a gun, or alcohol, renew his OLD account, or take some woman out to eat or on vacation. He didn't. He bought a science magazine subscription and donated to a political candidate (the same one I will vote for). I do think this was about wanting communication. My guess, now that I reached out to organize a meeting (which had nothing to do with these charges or the alcohol discussion with S--but he doesn't know that), he will not need the crazy stuff to catch my attention.
I'm not going to agonize too much about this discussion. It may not happen. I want it to be organic and give him the chance to say what we wants. I will lead the parts of it as DnJ suggests on the topics of concern to me. I'm going to let him contact me. He needs the taxes to be filed jointly (I don't). He will come at some point. He will either come with a mind to sell or he won't. He will either work with me on the agreement, or he won't. I'll be fine either way. I just need to remember that. Nothing is different today.
I'm going to keep my eyes moving forward and try to ignore the bombs he is setting off in my peripheral vision. The one thing I can proudly report, is that he has not seen my crazy cycling. The only contact he has had from me is the dates that S is available and a request to discuss the sale of the house and sign the taxes. No follow up emails, no calls, just those two.
