Well, yesterday we went out after our son went to sleep.
We started off good, planning our son's birthday next week.
Then I asked him what he wanted to talk about regarding us.
He mumbled something and shrugged. I said that 2 days ago he said that we needed to talk, it sounded like he had something specific on his mind so tell me what it was. He said he wanted to know if the rules we decided on before still apply. IE...taking son out with OW and OW coming by the house to drop him off etc...
Of course these are both very sore subjects with me so I started to backslide. I told him that if I ever see her outside our home I will strangle her, as will his mom and brother. As for our son, no way is it okay for him to go out with them. I reminded him that he told me he would never bring OW near our home, or expose our son to this situation. I asked him why did he want OW to spend time with our son? What was he trying to accomplish? He said he wasn't planning anything, that he was just missing spending time with our son and was thinking once and awhile he could bring him out with them, he would treat OW just like one of his friends in front of our son. I told him that our son was smarter than that, he would question why I wasn't there etc.... H said that he wouldn't do it often, maybe once every couple of months. I told him that he would just confuse our son.
I asked him if that was all he wanted to talk about. He said no, he said that we really need to start acting more like a separated couple. He shouldn't be hugging and kissing me, or ML or sleeping in our bed etc... I said fine. NO more hugging, kissing etc... You can sleep on the couch from now on. We don't need to spend any time together except for our son. H looked shocked, I guess he expected me to argue and plead with him or something. Then he got really sad. I quickly changed the subject so that our night wouldn't spiral down into a fight.
After a while, H started to talk about us again. He said that even if we get back together, we won't work out anyways. That I would never forget what he has done. I told him that it is true that I won't forget, BUT I will forgive and put it behind me. He said knows I won't be able to do that. I asked him why he keeps saying that? He said cause he talked to 2 of his friends (2 female friends) and they said that they were never able to get over their boyfriends cheating on them, so I wouldn't be able to forgive him either. I told him that his friends don't even know me. That I am not them, I know myself and know what I am capable of. I told him that millions of couples go through this and come out stronger afterwards.
H said that I am the strongest person he knows, that he actually admires me, that he doesn't think anyone else would be able to do what I am doing. I responded by saying 'I know' with a smile. H laughed and commented on my confidence. He said he is sorry for hurting me, that he is hurting too. He told me that he misses me so very much, that he can't believe how much he missed me, that at the beginning of this he was so sure that he didn't love me anymore and didn't think it would bother him to lose me.
He said that he loves coming home from work and seeing me at home. (wow - dbing does work). He said he thinks I am so beautiful, that after he drops me off in the morning he watches me in the rear view mirrow. He said that I could have any guy I want. I replied that the only guy I want is my husband. He told me that he realizes now that he was infatuated with OW in the beginning, that he wasn't really in love with her then, BUT HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER NOW. He said he does love me too but not the same.
He then brought up all the things that bothered him over the years and told me how hurt he was. I told him that I never meant to hurt him, that if I had known how he really felt I would have stopped it. He asked me why I have made all these changes now, why didn't I do it before? I told him that always listened to what he had to say, but I never really HEARD what he was saying. I apologized. (total validation). I didn't defend myself as usual or try to point out my side of things - he has heard my side before. I just let him get everything out.) H told me that he tried to break up with OW many times, but that she really loves him, and breaks down (um, what about me?) and he does care about her so much so he stops trying to break it off.
He told me he was so surprised by my reaction to the whole situation, he truly believed that I didn't really love him anymore either...and that I would have told him to get lost a long time ago. He said my actions in the past made him think that I stopped loving him. (I really misread his lovelanguages)
He told me that last night he wasn't with OW (he usually goes with her on Wed's) He said he went to a bar by himself and was drinking and thinking about us. He said he went to the bathroom and cried a few times while he was there. I told him that I thought he had went out with her, that I was sad too.
He said that I am perfect, the ideal woman. He said that he is sad that we won't work out. And that he is sad that he won't get to see what our biological children would look like, that he knows they would be beautiful. I stayed quiet even though I was struggling not to say anything.
I asked him if he still wanted to go to the movies with me Friday night. He looked surprised and said he thought I said no more doing stuff together. I replied that I only said that because that is what HE wanted. He said that he didn't WANT to stop being with me, but that he SHOULD stop being with me. I told him that I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do, but I do still want to see the movie with him. He said okay.
I asked him if we are both going to still live at home for now? He quietly said yes. So I told him we need to discuss the responsibilities of the house cause we seem to be fighting over small things because we have different expectations. I told him that over the years we both assumed things about our roles and we needed to actually sit down and spell it out.
We had good talk and cleared the air about a few issues. I think we both felt better about things.
I wanted to tell him that we both still have strong feelings for each other, that we can make things work. That I can get over the affair, that we will lose so much if we split. That he can't truly be in love with OW if he is cheating on her with me and still has such strong feelings etc... That he has the power to fix this mess, that it is not a done deal... BUT I held back. I didn't want to push anything. I think dbing is working slowly, but I don't know if he has the strength, or confidence in us, to give her up and try again. Time will tell I guess....
